From the Slums of The Upper East Side

I was inspired to write this morning after meeting my coffee man, Abdul, infront of the office where I work. He wakes up at 1:30AM, goes to buy bagels and coffee and what not for his stand, then prepares all the pastries and then drives them to his corner on Midtown East. He gets there at 5AM, sells his baked goods until about 12PM and has been doing this 20 years.

If he can pull off a 13 hour day of hard labor, damn me if I don't even make an effort to write.

So I pulled out of rock bottom and now have a corporate job. Yeah, the salary is not where it should be, but then again I am "building back" towards where I was and "building to" where I potentially can be. The good news is I moved into the Upper East Side. I got married (just the documentation) last February and my wife K and I chose a studio... the rent is comparable to a 3 bedroom house anywhere else in the U.S of A, but we live in a city with 600,000 millionaires. So what if I pay $2.25 for a 20oz coke.

It's interesting... I had that "beer" I mentioned in one of my posts last night. It turned out to be a big can of Fosters that I bought from the corner deli. K is still in Japan, so all I have is a futon, my guitar and basses and my clothing at the studio... none-the-less, I had some mac'n'cheese, fried chicken and steamed veggies with my Fosters. And I came to the realization that I am back. With all the support of family and friends, with my diligence and resilience, I am back. And that is a good thing.

Outside of that, I am in a rock band. I play a stringed instrument and I enjoy it thouroughly. The comraderie, the music, just being able to release... I missed making my ears ring and really do like being in that band.

Bipolar is interesting. People will give you rigid outlines to how it is and what it is. However, being bipolar is a lot different. The "lines" defining states are softer and you really can lead a normal life... At the onset of the illness, I never thought I could regain and progress so much. And so I am doing my best to look at the glass as being half full and not half empty (although I am, relatively speaking, more of the latter by nature).

I will do my best to post more.
And thank you Abdul.

Not to be a bit Haruki Murakami-ish, but Abdul must know more songs and winds of the city than I will ever know.


Might I Blog Again?

I actually received a couple of encouraging emails, saying that the content was good. I had forgotten about this blog for awhile as my life has changed, and to a degree improved over the past two years.

I have been stable. Very stable. I am now gainfully employed in an IT Company. I am engaged. I am in a rock band.

What is strange is that through work, my confidence is at a point where it has never been before... and that is the fact that I have some. I really do need to thank my therapist as he has played a key role in developing a variety of perspectives with my life. That I do have a fair deal and that I can live normally. And I have done so for a couple of years now.

I will write more in the up coming days.
Hopefully about cheerful topics.


New post (so little motivation :) )

Yes, a new post. something I haven't done in a while.

nothing new to report, I've been idle for the most part playing Fantasy baseball and online games. yes, gaming is a hazard one encounters when one has nothing to do.

ups....I guess I have none for the moment. no new prospects of anything and the winter weather isn't helping much, I have to say. it makes me want to stay indoors. gaming, gaming and more gaming. though my eyes are stil troublesome and I don't know if all the computer graphics are good for my eyes.

downs.....none for the moment, which is a good thing. I'm on very light medication, my bipolar has been stable for 6 months and I'm feeling ok.

and I'm trying to work out again. yes I gained a few pounds from being immobile and I need to work them off.

nothing new, the same old same old thing, for the most part. I'll try to get a little more introspective when I write next time. so little motivation to do much :)

the good thing is spring training broadcasting started today with the mets. though I am not a yankees fan, I'll probably watch them to see who's going to make the roster. I'm not much of a hockey or basketball fan so it's been pretty boring with regard to sports after the football season ended.

happy belated new year's to you all and the may it be a good year for you.




Sooooooo...it's been a while since I logged on. over teo months I see. since then I've quit my retail job and have been in complete idleness for about two weeks now. I just couldn't take the stress of the job... which makes me wonder as to how much stress I can take. not being able to work retail means my tolerance for work is very very very low.

I think I've hit an all time low with regard to my status. all I do is watch TV all day and I have no prospects as to what I'm going to be doing in th future. I of course could be worse of in mania or depression, but I'm utterly lost as to where I'm going.

outside of that, it's all christmassy and I feel left behind in terms of holiday spirit. I have none. sigh. I wish I had more cheerful things to write about but I don't.

nothing new, stagnating, bored, idle, wasting life away and I've reached the age of thirty. so much for adulthood.



So I turn 30 today.

Happy birthday to me.

the one person who remembers this day is a "former" girlfriend of mine who also happens to be the sweetest person on earth. she sent me an e-card and promised to visit from Japan in the spring. some thing to look forward to.

other than that, my life is very boring. it's work for four days and sleep for the days I have off. I guess people call this normal, but work at Target is demeaning slave labor that does nothing for my confidence. it dents it actually.... the only good thing is, is that I have a few extra dollars in my pocket. something I haven't had in a very long time.

socially isolated, I'm doing my best to keep my hopes up. friends are few and far in between and I feel lonely most of the time. not to mention the fact that I'm going through a depressive phase at the moment.

anyway, that's my life ina nutshell. happy birthday to me. the big 30 from here on in and a farewell to my twenties. yep, they went by pretty quick.



Retail Job

So it's been about a month since I posted last and I must say I'm working one of the crappiest retail jobs on earth. all I do is "zone", which means put things back into place and drag out games and what not for annoying guests. yes, the Target retail job does suck but it is still better than lying at home doing nothing. and so I've stuck with it for three weeks and finally got my first paycheck.

it's the first paycheck in let's see...a year and nine months. that's how idle I've been and I have to say that it's rewarding, however small the amount may be. and it's really small, considering I'm pushing 8.50 an hour. so much for going to school and working that career job. I've done it before and probably will do it again, but until I get my "job" rehab, it's still in the remote future. till then, I have Target at 8.50 an hour. it actually does a lot to one's dignity.............

outside of that, I've been taking my meds and have been stable in a semi-depressed way. all I do is gear up for work and I spend most of my free time in bed, pondering what lies ahead in the future. it sucks having gone through the hell that I've gone through because of my bipolar.

oh, and I've met a friend over the internet who has borderline personality disorder. I've only talked to her over the phone but she sounds pretty well put together, considering she'd made it through undergrad and is applying for grad school in a discipline that is relatively complex...philosophy.

that's pretty much it. I need some support these days since I am feeling depressed. wonder what's going to happen to me....really. I turn 30 in a few days. I've done a lot but to be where I'm at at age 30 is pretty pathetic.

good luck to all.



My brother

My brother popped by today. He's going on a business trip to India, needed to borrow the car to go buy goods at the local mall, and I decided to tag along with him to buy a pair of jeans. it was fun talking to him, too bad he was in such a rush and I sit here while I await dinner.

so much sibling rivalry but I feel as though most of it was due to my perception of things. to put it another way, so many of my problems are caused by my perception of things. anyway, it was just nice to hang out with him.

nothing new to report other than the fact thatI'm a bit anxious about work, but I'm doing better than before. I have to stop my six month cycle of being well, then crashing and ultimately ending up in the emergency room.