bipolar blues

From the Slums of The Upper East Side

2010-10-05T05:25:00.003-05:00

I was inspired to write this morning after meeting my coffee man, Abdul, infront of the office where I work. He wakes up at 1:30AM, goes to buy bagels and coffee and what not for his stand, then prepares all the pastries and then drives them to his corner on Midtown East. He gets there at 5AM, sells his baked goods until about 12PM and has been doing this 20 years.

If he can pull off a 13 hour day of hard labor, damn me if I don't even make an effort to write.

So I pulled out of rock bottom and now have a corporate job. Yeah, the salary is not where it should be, but then again I am "building back" towards where I was and "building to" where I potentially can be. The good news is I moved into the Upper East Side. I got married (just the documentation) last February and my wife K and I chose a studio... the rent is comparable to a 3 bedroom house anywhere else in the U.S of A, but we live in a city with 600,000 millionaires. So what if I pay $2.25 for a 20oz coke.

It's interesting... I had that "beer" I mentioned in one of my posts last night. It turned out to be a big can of Fosters that I bought from the corner deli. K is still in Japan, so all I have is a futon, my guitar and basses and my clothing at the studio... none-the-less, I had some mac'n'cheese, fried chicken and steamed veggies with my Fosters. And I came to the realization that I am back. With all the support of family and friends, with my diligence and resilience, I am back. And that is a good thing.

Outside of that, I am in a rock band. I play a stringed instrument and I enjoy it thouroughly. The comraderie, the music, just being able to release... I missed making my ears ring and really do like being in that band.

Bipolar is interesting. People will give you rigid outlines to how it is and what it is. However, being bipolar is a lot different. The "lines" defining states are softer and you really can lead a normal life... At the onset of the illness, I never thought I could regain and progress so much. And so I am doing my best to look at the glass as being half full and not half empty (although I am, relatively speaking, more of the latter by nature).

I will do my best to post more.
And thank you Abdul.

Not to be a bit Haruki Murakami-ish, but Abdul must know more songs and winds of the city than I will ever know.

Might I Blog Again?

2010-01-21T10:40:00.002-05:00

I actually received a couple of encouraging emails, saying that the content was good. I had forgotten about this blog for awhile as my life has changed, and to a degree improved over the past two years.

I have been stable. Very stable. I am now gainfully employed in an IT Company. I am engaged. I am in a rock band.

What is strange is that through work, my confidence is at a point where it has never been before... and that is the fact that I have some. I really do need to thank my therapist as he has played a key role in developing a variety of perspectives with my life. That I do have a fair deal and that I can live normally. And I have done so for a couple of years now.

I will write more in the up coming days.
Hopefully about cheerful topics.

New post (so little motivation :) )

2007-02-28T21:04:00.000-05:00

Yes, a new post. something I haven't done in a while.

nothing new to report, I've been idle for the most part playing Fantasy baseball and online games. yes, gaming is a hazard one encounters when one has nothing to do.

ups....I guess I have none for the moment. no new prospects of anything and the winter weather isn't helping much, I have to say. it makes me want to stay indoors. gaming, gaming and more gaming. though my eyes are stil troublesome and I don't know if all the computer graphics are good for my eyes.

downs.....none for the moment, which is a good thing. I'm on very light medication, my bipolar has been stable for 6 months and I'm feeling ok.

and I'm trying to work out again. yes I gained a few pounds from being immobile and I need to work them off.

nothing new, the same old same old thing, for the most part. I'll try to get a little more introspective when I write next time. so little motivation to do much :)

the good thing is spring training broadcasting started today with the mets. though I am not a yankees fan, I'll probably watch them to see who's going to make the roster. I'm not much of a hockey or basketball fan so it's been pretty boring with regard to sports after the football season ended.

happy belated new year's to you all and the may it be a good year for you.

R

Christmas

2006-12-19T21:45:00.000-05:00

Sooooooo...it's been a while since I logged on. over teo months I see. since then I've quit my retail job and have been in complete idleness for about two weeks now. I just couldn't take the stress of the job... which makes me wonder as to how much stress I can take. not being able to work retail means my tolerance for work is very very very low.

I think I've hit an all time low with regard to my status. all I do is watch TV all day and I have no prospects as to what I'm going to be doing in th future. I of course could be worse of in mania or depression, but I'm utterly lost as to where I'm going.

outside of that, it's all christmassy and I feel left behind in terms of holiday spirit. I have none. sigh. I wish I had more cheerful things to write about but I don't.

nothing new, stagnating, bored, idle, wasting life away and I've reached the age of thirty. so much for adulthood.

Birthday

2006-11-08T17:55:00.000-05:00

So I turn 30 today.

Happy birthday to me.

the one person who remembers this day is a "former" girlfriend of mine who also happens to be the sweetest person on earth. she sent me an e-card and promised to visit from Japan in the spring. some thing to look forward to.

other than that, my life is very boring. it's work for four days and sleep for the days I have off. I guess people call this normal, but work at Target is demeaning slave labor that does nothing for my confidence. it dents it actually.... the only good thing is, is that I have a few extra dollars in my pocket. something I haven't had in a very long time.

socially isolated, I'm doing my best to keep my hopes up. friends are few and far in between and I feel lonely most of the time. not to mention the fact that I'm going through a depressive phase at the moment.

anyway, that's my life ina nutshell. happy birthday to me. the big 30 from here on in and a farewell to my twenties. yep, they went by pretty quick.

R

Retail Job

2006-10-21T12:40:00.000-05:00

So it's been about a month since I posted last and I must say I'm working one of the crappiest retail jobs on earth. all I do is "zone", which means put things back into place and drag out games and what not for annoying guests. yes, the Target retail job does suck but it is still better than lying at home doing nothing. and so I've stuck with it for three weeks and finally got my first paycheck.

it's the first paycheck in let's see...a year and nine months. that's how idle I've been and I have to say that it's rewarding, however small the amount may be. and it's really small, considering I'm pushing 8.50 an hour. so much for going to school and working that career job. I've done it before and probably will do it again, but until I get my "job" rehab, it's still in the remote future. till then, I have Target at 8.50 an hour. it actually does a lot to one's dignity.............

outside of that, I've been taking my meds and have been stable in a semi-depressed way. all I do is gear up for work and I spend most of my free time in bed, pondering what lies ahead in the future. it sucks having gone through the hell that I've gone through because of my bipolar.

oh, and I've met a friend over the internet who has borderline personality disorder. I've only talked to her over the phone but she sounds pretty well put together, considering she'd made it through undergrad and is applying for grad school in a discipline that is relatively complex...philosophy.

that's pretty much it. I need some support these days since I am feeling depressed. wonder what's going to happen to me....really. I turn 30 in a few days. I've done a lot but to be where I'm at at age 30 is pretty pathetic.

good luck to all.

R

My brother

2006-09-30T16:40:00.000-05:00

My brother popped by today. He's going on a business trip to India, needed to borrow the car to go buy goods at the local mall, and I decided to tag along with him to buy a pair of jeans. it was fun talking to him, too bad he was in such a rush and I sit here while I await dinner.

so much sibling rivalry but I feel as though most of it was due to my perception of things. to put it another way, so many of my problems are caused by my perception of things. anyway, it was just nice to hang out with him.

nothing new to report other than the fact thatI'm a bit anxious about work, but I'm doing better than before. I have to stop my six month cycle of being well, then crashing and ultimately ending up in the emergency room.

R

So I start working

2006-09-29T14:28:00.000-05:00

yes. so I start working. after months of babbling about what I was going to do with my life, I now have an $8.50/h job at target. with thoughts of it still being "below" my abilities, I find it comforting that I'm returning to a place of normalcy and not being totally idle. being idle really numbs you and I've been like that for close to three years now.... though not overly enthu-sed, I welcome this new change and will go work four times a week.

a far cry from complete recovery though being a very big step for me.

outside of that, nothing has really changed. I play poker, I talk on and off with D, I keep in touch with my friends I met during partial hospitalization. I hope I'm inching towards independence.

R

sunday, sunday

2006-09-24T11:03:00.000-05:00

sunday. the ryder cup is on, for the golf fans and europe dominated as usual. I had dinner with D last night. she's now shuffling three jobs and has had at least six over the past four months. I'm hoping she's alright as we ate chinese food during the jewish new year.

today I worked out and will probably go play poker at Ra's. nope my routine hasn't changed a bit. hopefully work will alter that but for the moment, I'm static as usual.

three hospitalizations in one year. I hope I never have another one. those things really suck and sets you back to point zero every single time.

so another normal sunday for me.
I kinda miss soccer and the world cup, since I don't really follow american football.

R

work!

2006-09-23T16:58:00.000-05:00

for the past let's see...about six months, excluding a few of course, I've been blogging my guts out about bipolar and work outs. but today I have something more constructive to dish out. my father offered me a one day part tiem job to help him out at a convention he was running and so I worked for eight hours yesterday! wopee. first source of income in a year and a half. aaaaand I also was offered a part time job from none other than target, so hopefuly I'll be on my way on my $8.50 journey.

nothing has really changed yet, but I hope to be closer to normalcy once I start working and given that I pass target's piss test. (I had some ganja at B's three weeks ago so I'm a bit paranoid).

Oh, and I still do work out, but not as obsessively as I used to. I try to work out only for an hour and not drain myself completely day in and day out.

I hope everyone else is doing ok. and do I even have any readers left??

R

after two months, a post

2006-09-17T17:01:00.000-05:00

well. I find myself back in bloggerland again. much has happened as I relapsed into mania and was hospitalized for about two weeks. turns out it was partially due to lithium overdose, which sucks and now all is better with my milder medication.

so much for the progress I was making, I'm back to square one.

(I also forgot my password into the site and hence the delay)

thankyou bluestbutterfly for your concern, I'm back and will write sporatically as my life is pretty monotonous at the moment. I'm looking for a part time job but nothing seems to pop up. I browse the net, I buy newspapers but nothing. I wonder if my resume kind of hinders me from being the proper applicant. the majority of my work experience is, afterall, in japan.

but I'm back and for the readers who have missed me I'm very sorry for the gap in posting.

stay well all.

R

a week of blogging rest

2006-07-12T22:59:00.000-05:00

and so my blogging continues after one week of rest.

a lot happened over the week...like the Italians taking the world cup, much to my dismay. though I have to say Zidane's headbutt was a surprise, he probably had his reasons. and how dare any player trash talk the soccer equivalent of a michael jordan... but congratulations to the Italian supporters and good luck in the euro championships.

I pretty much did nothing, though I began playing two online games found on yahoo! UK. one is a soccer management game, the other is a formula 1 management game. they're both very addictive, I might add.

ah, I went to DVR (division of vocational rehabilitation) but it was closed due to the new jersey state government not being able to approve it's own budget...and so I have to reschedule... nothing is working for me in me getting on with my life. though I have to say I'm not very pro-active when it comes to doing so............

soooooooo.

nothing much to report, my bipolar is fine (so far), and I'm taking a few days break from my work out. I've developed a few muscle knots (painful) and I'm doing a bunch of stretching exercises, soaking myself in the hottub and am massaging myself as well. just goes to show you that too much of anything isn't good.

ciao

R

4th of july

2006-07-04T23:02:00.000-05:00

yes, the great american holiday rolls around. last year on this very date, I was fresh off of a hospitalization for the worst mania I had ever had in my life. I was flat on my back, day in day out, and I remember wobbling downstairs to watch the fireworks which were being held at a near by park. this year, I spent it watching house on fox. so much for any sort of holiday spirit.

I did go grocery shopping with mom and dad. we bought 10 gallons of water and 6 gallons of soda. when ever I go, I feel as though I'm at the supermarket to buy water.

after that I went to tan a bit and came back to watch the deutchland - italia match. it probably was one of the best matches of the tournament so far....the other one was france - spain...that one's a classic.

so with the host nation out, italia awaits the winner of tomorrow's france - portugal match. 2 - 0 france, I say. and france will take it all, I think.

that's all for the 4th of july.

good night.

R

motivation

2006-07-03T20:16:00.000-05:00

motivation. that is something I lack...in doing, well, everything.

there was a pre-4th of july party at Ra's house on saturday, where I ate too much and beer ponged too much. I've actually been tipsy this week from drinking and smoking...my liver was in overdrive and I needed sunday off to recover. D came along on sunday and I have to say she's kinda spooking me out with her hyper risperdal-ed perspective of things. I should restrain myself from typing any further to keep the info underwraps (yes, internet manners) and I also don't have the energy to elaborate on what I did for the past three days. I guess I'm too......lethargic........lazy.........to do so.

So I got up today at around noon (not too bad), ate and sandwich, went to tan, did my abs and my cardio routine (which is now 90 minutes bike>stairmaster>ski machine) and here I type.

inspite of the tedium of my inactive days, I think I'm at a point where I want to do something...now this impulse really hasn't popped up for the past two years...thus, I'm doing my best now to improve on health and to rebuild my confidence...the work out has been exactly that for me...since february, I have only taken 3 - 6 days off a month, I've seen and felt the results and I'm confident in my mini-project....though it may be out of vanity, I'm progressing. so there.

though I've only lost three pounds. a steady 142lbs.
the odd thing about "building muscle", is that the mechanism for it really hasn't been proven in a scientific manner. (trivia time) the interesting thing for me, is that the gov. of california and I have the same number of muscle cells in our bodies. and when a muscle is "toned" it just refers to the number of muscle cells that are "firing" or are active to perform that particular function. naturally, it is acquired via reps and low resistance training or activities. to "build" muscle, it actually refers to the "thickening" of muscle fibers. this is done by heavy lifting, etc. and once the fiber is "damaged" by the activity, the body repairs it so that it is thicker and more resistant to what caused the damage. (end of trivia time) my point is, I feel like I've lost zero fat, inspite of all the cardio that I do. I look a lot firmer than a few months ago, but I still feel as though I'm doing something wrong.

anyway, happy 4th of july.

R

first post of july

2006-06-30T22:30:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in a bit. and I'll tell you why.
on tuesday, I went to a yankee's game. Co invited B and I, and so we all went to stadium, sat above the foul pole in right field, drank beer, ate hot dogs and cheered for the yankees, since they were playing atlanta. and the one time I cheer for the yankees, they lose.
we came back to new jersey via a group bus, we went over to B's and we had fun with honey bear, which basicaly is a home made water pipe, if you know what I mean.

the following morning on wednesday, Co drove me back home and I slept through the whole day. I think I'm a bit tired from the work out regimen I have. so I slept and slept and slept and woke up on thursday. I moped around, worked out and had beer with the life guard C.

today, I watched the world cup quarterfinal games, cheered for germany and ukraine and went to work out.

so that was my week, in a nutshell...wow. days go by quickly when you have things to do.

good night.

R

poker

2006-06-26T00:04:00.000-05:00

so, I woke up, watched soccer, went grocery shopping and watched more soccer. this is what I do all day, how I'm going to recover from it, I don't know.

I then got a call from Ra and went to play poker with a few buds. I won a bit, then lost a bit and basically broke even for the night, which is a good thing. At gave me a ride home and the core members of the group are growing on me. at first I didn't think they would, but they're actually really fun to be around (when the right people are there).

and I bought a few packs of cigarettes on the way back and here I am.

I really need to move on with my life. I need something to do, something to focus on. watching soccer shouldn't be the only thing..............time, time, patience........ recovery is a tough thing.

good night.

R

hmmm...ole?

2006-06-24T22:18:00.000-05:00

so. more soccer. football.

outside of that, I've completed my four week regimen of heavy lifting and it has taken a toll on my body... everything aches and a prolonged rest might be best since I can't see myself lifting at heavier levels until I'm fully rested. so I'll shift to a lot of cardio, maybe even add sprints into my routine and maintain the leg and ab workout for a week. deadlifts, squats and lunges work.

I went to a korean barbeque with my parents and ate my brains out. talked to D for bit and watched forrest gump.

yes, my days are this redundant.

good night, good night. maybe I'll win at poker tomorrow.

R

well, ole

2006-06-22T20:52:00.000-05:00

so I woke up and watched more soccer. team usa lost to ghana, team japan lost to brazil, italia, ghana, brazil, australia will be moving on to the second round.

it was good fun for three weeks, but the reality is, the dominant teams still are dominant, there's a lot to be done to make that gap narrower. how japan is going to improve, I don't know. all I know is that they ended up being one of the worst teams in the world cup finals.

nothing much to say...I got some sun inbetween the matches, then went to work out after the matches and came back, bathed, ate..............................................

that's about it for the day. my brain dies a little bit each night, I think....I really don't use it anymore.

good night.

R

absolute boredom

2006-06-21T20:45:00.000-05:00

there is such a thing as absolute boredom. I think I'm doing it right now, as I've been in repeat mode for quite some time. in terms of recovering from my hospitalization in february, I've come a very, very long way. but I'm still stuck in this nothingness and I really have no clue as to how I'm going to drag myself out of it.

anyway.

I woke up and watched soccer, naturally... portugal, mexico, argentina and the netherlands made it the second group. congratulations to the ivory coast supporters for the first win ever in a world cup!

I went to tan at the gym and later worked out my legs and abs. the leg and ab day is the most painful of all days for me. I'm begininng to understand the importance of training your core...and have come to the conclusion that inorder to train your core, you have to work your legs, specifically your thighs, hamstrings and gluts. eveything is connected. what we see on teevee, with all those weird machines, is a semi-lie.

so team japan plays brazil tomorrow! it will likely be the last match for japan, as they do not have any weapons to go up against the best team in the world.

good night, good night.

R

ole ole ole ole

2006-06-20T21:28:00.000-05:00

I've reverted to using ole ole ole ole since I don't have any quirky titles in me at the moment. I forgot to post last night as I went to sleep at around 8pm....this soccer thing is really dictating when I get up and when I go to sleep.

but nothing exciting happened...I just worked out and got some sun. which basically is a facsimilie of what I've been doing for the past six or seven weeks +. the only difference is that for the past week and a half, I'm stuck infront of a teevee watching soccer.

now we're seeing which teams get to move on to the second round. so far, germany, ecuador, england and sweden have made it through. zero upsets in groups A and B.

after following every game of the cup (I've never done this before), I'm convinced it's like watching an entire season of the NFL compressed into one month. only it happens every four years and qualifying is just as thrilling and it takes two years to get all the matches in. but it's just fun to watch these games.

soooooooooo.
it's still ole ole ole ole mode.
I'm thinking of going to school and taking my class. I'll get the degree in a year and it's an initiative that'll be recognized when it comes to a career change.....so how do I fund this??

anyway, good night.

R

nippon, xxx, nippon

2006-06-18T20:30:00.000-05:00

the kick off time for the japan croatia match was at 8:55, EST. yes, my life currently revolves around soccer and so what. the world cup only happens every four years, it's a festival for the countries that have qualified.

the game ended up being a 0-0, meaning, japan would have to beat brazil by a big margin...something like 3-0. analogy. fort lee high school varsity football team. they suck, actually. they take on the new york giants and beat them by a score of 68 - 7. this is the reality of the situation. aaaaaand. if the aussies win against croatia, japan has no chance. but all the force to the aussies because they deserve it. they have a gutsy squad and they performed well against the brazillians.

anyway. soccer aside. I went to tan, got some sun and then went to Ra's place to play poker. of course, I lost. yeeees. I lost. I've been playing terrible poker for the past two months. I need to pace myself. which means, I need practice on the internet. my, oh, my, oh my.

so thats' what I did today and that's probably what I'll do tomorrow. watch more soccer.

good night.

R

ole, ole ole ole

2006-06-17T20:04:00.000-05:00

ole, ole ole ole. ole. ole.

more soccer. today team ghana rocked. they played great football. it was a thrilling game to watch. and the US team played well too. 1 -1 tie with italia and the game was a bit botched because of the referee....... throwing three players out in one game??? an absurdity.

I did a light work out today, just to get the lactic acid out of my system. when I do nothing, I tend to feel worse............and so a lot of stretching, some light weights and light cardio.

came back and as I was about to take a shower, I got a call from D. we decided to get some food and after I bathed, we went off to get some hotdogs and beer. she's adjusting her meds right now and was a bit on the sluggish side. after the dogs, we stopped by a cafe, had some latte's and talked about life in general.

and I now sit here typing. typing, typing typing.

I need to get a job. oh, I got into the textile development and marketing program at FIT. it's a one year AAS course and I have to reply by july 5th..........................the only thing that really hinders me from being happy is, is the question of whether or not I can afford this. it's a great way to switch gears and go for a new job. and I'll get to study in manhattan. and I'll be surrounded by 18 year old girls. but is it really worth it?? when I already have a bachelor's degree and a solid career on my resume???

ole, ole ole ole. ole ole.
I'll think about it after team japan plays team croatia. it is a must win scenario for japan. what makes the match interesting is, it's a must win for both croatia and japan.

ole, ole ole ole. ole, oleeeee

R

one week of soccer

2006-06-16T20:55:00.000-05:00

I woke up at ten and missed the first half of the argentina - serbia monte negro game. but I've been waking up in the am hours for a ful week! wopee I'll refrain from soccer talk since I went on a rant yesterday for no good reason.

but, without soccer talk, I really don't have much to say.

I went to get a tan again and talked to C who was in early. it seems as though he's once again in confusion as to where he wants to go and what he wants to do for his euro-trip. lucky bastard. I want to go to europe. I love europe. anyway, I got my two hours of tanning in and went home to view the mexico - angola match in full. and I'll refrain from soccer talk.

after the game, I once again went to the spa-gym building in the complex and did my lifting and cardio. there has been a big improvement in the way I look and feel this past week. my gluts have shrunk! wopee deadlifting/squats/lunges/cardio is the correct equation for butt shrinking.

came back, ate and I type.

I really do need to get on with my life. I've basically been out of it for two years...... it's about time I did something, regardless of me "succeeding" or "failing". it'll be better than watching sports and sitcoms all day while I tan, talk to a semi-junkie and work out........though I have to say, working out does build confidence...you put your hours in, you get results.

good night, good night.

R

more world cup

2006-06-15T21:03:00.000-05:00

woke up at 9am, again, which is nothing short of a miracle, and tuned into ESPN2 to watch the world cup. team ecuador was impressive and fun to watch (defeated costa rica), england, whom I chose as my favorite to win the whole thing, is improving but still seems a bit bland(though they won 2-0 against trinidad and tobago)......these two teams have secured their spots into the second round. sweden defeated paraguay(thus eliminating paraguay from moving on) and displayed their good mechanics and strategy. and my condolences to the supporters of paraguay. I am convinced that I am going to join your ranks on sunday, but four years is a long time to wait for the next one, you know.

I also did a bit of tanning and am getting used to the sun. this time I didn't scorch myself. I hope to be doing my full blown tanning (what ever that is) next week.

then I biked, stairmastered and ski machine-ed. my quads are aching from yesterday's work out and I'm doing my best to balance rest and exercise. no rest, no muscle growth.

and I watch the NBA finals as I type.
some thoughts on sports.

racism in football(soccer) has been a european issue for a long time and it's interesting to see how "politically correct" americans are in comparison to some of the other countries out there. basketball has been quoted as "a black man's sport" for awhile and there's always a distinction between a "black player" and a "white player". as dumb as the majority of us think this distinction is (because it is dumber than dumb), you won't find the local kkk mob monkey chanting or waving a neo nazi flag when shaq posts up and gets the ball. the reality is, you'll see such disgusting displays in the english premier league, in the german league and in the spanish league. I remember buying a hat in a formula one specialty store in holland and I got into a conversation with the guy working there. he described football as being, "so violent to the point where I want nothing to do with it. that's why I watch formula one." I'm not saying this stuff doesn't go on in the us of a, because it did and still does, but there's a general understanding that goes, "and we look different......so?" I guess I'm too young to really understand what the pioneers did in terms of sports culture, how it changed the perception people had of other people. I grew up with magic johnson, larry bird and michael jordon. as a kid the race thing really doesn't matter. all you remember is jordon being triple teamed and him still jumping over two people to slam the ball. and I guess I live in place where a bunch of people from different ethnicities somehow get along and live together.

sooooo...what's my point? ........what is my point? I kind of don't know now.
watching the england - trinidad and tobago match, I couldn't help but sense an underlying issue of colonialisim and a who's better than who thing goin' on.....for example. the tartan army (scotland) will root for any team that goes up against england. it has been reported that rum and mango sales in scotland have sky rocketed....next, they might start buying volvos or something if sweden wins against the three lions. who knows. the great thing about the world cup and the tragedy of it, is that there are so many isues spectators associate themselves with while watching a single match. so here's the reality. trinidad and tobago was a former colony. there probably was some tension outside of soccer. zidane, the french star midfielder is an algerian and had expressed his juxtaposition in being on the french squad.....and as the french tend to be overly political and "philosophical" in a way, zidane, in "politically correct" terms, signifies the "new" france, a colony friendly france, a "minority accepting" france(and achieved glory by winning it all in 1998). think about the tension in the african teams when they go up against the "old colonial" teams. this applies to korea - japan matches. yep. wwII. since I live in 100,000 strong korean area where caucasians are almost minority, I probably won't be sporting a team japan jersey any time in the near future. there lies another complexity. the thing about "ethinicity". not just race, but ethinicity. haruki murakami once wrote, while watching the olympics in sydney, that "it's almost like watching countries perform metaphysical warfare on each other".

so what is my point?
I still don't know....but miami is cruisn' today.

in the end, is it about athletes dukin' it out for the sake of competition???? that it's a form of entertainment for the masses?????? I don't know about you, but it sure seems like more than that to me....especially the world cup.

it just gives me some hope to see brazil dominate teams with there squad. they have no race down there. they're just brazillians. and I guess that's part of the reason why I like to watch tiger woods. the dude, if I may refer to him as that, in technical terms, has no race. (u.s.open this week at winged foot). and disregarding the race thing, he displays a grace that no one can replicate. golf, in my mind, is as violent as soccer. it's just done without the chanting and signs and neo nazi flag waving.

I can go on forever about this and I don't know why I'm typing away.

going back to the world cup. football is a sport for the masses. what goes on in the stadium....of course it's not a representation of an entire nation. but I will say this much. the us of a is much more objective when watching sports. aaand, when viewing it from a "world order" perspective, we still are in the age of pax americana and are living in a world where the american method in capitalism has "taken over" the world. so. soooo, the rest of the world doesn't like that too much. america goes up against italia on saturday. should italia lose to america, a few italians will chuck home made bombs into an american embassy. at the end of the day, for american spectators, it's just a sport. most countries have a little more weight to bear.

R

more football

2006-06-14T21:48:00.000-05:00

and I woke up at 9am again. amaaaazing.

made myself a sandwich as I watched the game on tv. I'll refrain from writing about them.

I was looking forward to my sunbathing but the overcast skies prevented me from endulging in it. sulking, I went to work out...and work out I did, as I endured extreme pain........my leg and ab work out is intense.

talked to C a bit. my conclusion about C is that he has four things to talk about. 1)drugs, 2)girls, 3)his vacation to europe, 4)other. our conversation oscillates between 1,2 and 3 these days.

came back, bathed, ate food and voila!, here I am.
oh, I talked to Tr. on the phone, although she was making a salad as we spoke and the chat didn't last all that long. she seems to be doing ok and we'll probably do something together with B next week.

and that was my day.

it's about time I start to look for a job..........

good night.

R

a tan/burn

2006-06-13T22:20:00.000-05:00

I woke up at 9am (wow, this world cup thing is really helping me...) and watched the korea - togo game. and then went sunbathing for a few hours and ended up scorching myself. I didn't realize how "feeble" my skin has become with staying indoors and, perhaps, gulp, aging. they say you hit a few blocks when approaching and passing the three zero mark. any way, I hope the redness fades by tomorrow, as I plan to scorch myself again. right now I look like an othello piece.

I saw part of the france - switzerland match and watched the entire brazil - croatia match, since they're in group e. there is no way japan can beat brazil. simply because, a defensive japanese pattern cannot support an attack of any nature. the best japan can hope for is a draw with brazil and a win over croatia with brazil stomping over australia big time. that way, the sub riddled brazilian team will not be as destructive (though you never know with brazil...any player can explode at any time). soooo....as I mentioned yesterday, things look veerry grim.

before I went to work out, Tr, a patient I met during partial hospitalization called me, and Co also called me. I called Tr, only I couldn't reach her, and I decided not to call Co since Co talks for hours on end I just felt like, ah, what's the word, "chillin' " today. so I biked, stairmastered and ran (!) on the treadmill for a bit. I have to say my cardio is improving by leaps and bounds and I was able to work out for 1h15min. at a pretty quick pace. I'm closer to being "athletic". I'm glad I've been sticking with my deadlifts, squats and lunges. they work.

came back, cooked my own food (yes, mom is staying at my younger brother's place, as my brother is in germany watching soccer(why, Idon't know)) and here I am.

I still stagnating, but I intend to watch all the soccer I can watch.

good night.

R

Team Japan

2006-06-12T20:55:00.000-05:00

I think I need to explain a bit about my weekend.
it pretty much was the same old until D called. we went out to a local bar, I drank five beers. then we called Ra, Ra was at a house party near by, we were invited. there I drank three beers. then, Ra's girlfriend S drove Ra and myself to Ra's house. D went home. and at Ra's house, six of us decided to play poker. a few hours later and with a few more alcoholic beverages in my system, I was home. I walked home, if I remember correctly and all I clearly remember was that I urinated on a tree on my way back. I wish I had more socially acceptable information, but that's the only concrete detail that I can recall.

and, when I woke up, it was monday. I spent sunday on my back with many bottles of water next to me.

I have to say I'm really not doing a good job in my recovery (I think)... I'm supposed to be "improving" myself so that I can return to work, but so far I'm doing nothing of the nature. and as for my blogging, my initial intent was to write about topics with some sort of substance, but now it's a journal of nothing-ness, the occasional poker game and me either getting wasted or high or a combination of both. (note to self: do something that can be described as being "cerebral") and with my guitar in a semi-broken state, I can only play the lower 4 strings...

maybe I should borrow a book and return to my reading regimen.

anyway...

at 8:55 EST, team japan went up against team australia. I remember saying that japan has historically "rolled over" the aussies. I'm here to eat my words. team japan sucks. sighhhh....now they have to beat croatia and perhaps tie with brazil, which is just as difficult as the new york knicks beating the dallas mavericks and the miami heat....bad analogy....which is just as difficult as the Fort Lee High School varsity baseball team (I've seen them play and they're pretty good) beating the new york yankees (I've seen them play and they're usually really good)....bad analogy #2.......... anyway, japanese fans are in mourning. after years of investing in j-league, after investing in players to play for european clubs, after years of following friendly matches, qualifiers, it's just a huge let down. but one thing the fans will get to see, is team japan going up against team brazil. but then again, since they face them in game three, chances are, team brazil will be 40% substitutes.

at 11:55 EST, team usa played the chzech republic. I said team usa had the capability to take it all. I am once again here to eat my words. team usa was pretty sucky too. mcbride did nothing, donovan was all hype and play making approaching the box was sucky. and so italia will most likely beat usa unless the forwards and offensive midfielders step it up to another level. italian soccer, though boring (yes, it's booooring) because of their super defensive 6 man back system, is solid when it does come to defense. and ghana played well, in my mind. the game was much closer than the 3-0 and they played with a pretty quick pace. so team usa is facing a grim reality too.

enough soccer talk.

I worked out, talked to C, bathed and ate food.

and I actually still feel a bit hung over.

good night.

R

saturday

2006-06-11T03:12:00.000-05:00

------------- I'm wondering I should leave this post.......I was drunk like a maniac and I'm amazed I actually posted-------------------------

so I woke up...at 9am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had to watch the england paraguay match and so I woke up.
I think the world cup is doing good for me.

after watching england beat paraguar 1 - 0, I went shopping with mom and dad.............mom i snow moving in with my younger brother as he's travalleing in germany. mom just needs alone time, so it seems. I came back, watched the sweden- trinidad tobago match and then saw the argentina ivory coast match........................................ my world is beginning to revolve around soccer.

then, after watching all the games, I went to work out.

came back, talked to B who called, and then talked to D, who was eager to go out and drink.

I went to a local korean bar with D and she explained to me her life. she's a bi-curious kina girl who's meeting up with people at the moment. I can't explain it any better. on our way back, we stopped by a house party with Ra, who we called, and I ended up playing poker with them..... and I won a few bucks..................

a wierd day........................to say the least.

R

world cup

2006-06-09T21:35:00.000-05:00

I woke up at three. I think this matches my all time worst....I obviously over did it with the cardio yesterday.

I turned on the teevee and watched the poland - ecuador game. missed the germany - costa rica game but because of this event, I plan on getting up at 9 am. soccer is fun to watch. and the world cup is the biggest event in the world. one must watch it. unless, of course, you are american.

after the match, I went to work out and did my back and arms. then biked a bit, stairmastered a bit and walked a bit.

yes, this was my day.
what am I to do??????

at least I'll have the world cup to entertain me for a month. team japan is injured all over and the prospects of them moving onto the best 16 aren't too good. but...what's interesting about soccer is that it's hard to predict the outcome of a particular match unless one team totally outmatches the other. and even if that is the case, there's room for the underdog to win. tomorrow, team england is on the pitch against paraguay. though brazil is the favorite, I still think the brits will take it this time around. the entire midfield is in its prime and if healthy, they have the best striker they've had in decades. it'll be fun to watch paraguay and england. the south americans tend to play with a little more individual flare while the european teams have great structure and strategy. I really don't know too much about soccer so I should shut up.

good night, good night.

R

well, well, well

2006-06-08T21:04:00.000-05:00

I woke up at 10:45, which is an achievement for me, to go to the human services department. I talked to Mrs. R and she told me that since I haven't applied for citizenship over the past few months, I could no longer receive any benefits from them and that she would have to close my account unless I applied for it in the next 30 days. and so I'll most likely lose general assistance. well, well, well........ time to really think.

then I went to the hospital, where I'm receiving charity care, to renew my "coverage" since it ran out. they told me to come back next month when I have an appointment with my psychiatrist.......... obviously a clerical thing but I don't understand why they wouldn't process my application right then and there......

came back, fiddled around with my stratocaster copy only to notice that the nut of the neck (a piece of plastic or wood that holds the strings in place) had cracked. must everything fall out of place at once?? I can either replace the nut or buy a new neck. I'm leaning towards the latter since my current neck is made out of rosewood (I prefer maple) and it has a weird paint finish that makes sliding a bit "sticky". aaannnyyy hooo, I need to repair it.

so with a bunch of problems, I went to work out. since it was cardio day, I biked, stairmastered and cross country ski machine-ed. I am getting there. am I? I don't know, actually.

talked to C, who is still planning for his euro-trip and came home to watch the NBA finals.

I guess I've been pretty aloof the past month. I'm begining to realize how bad my situation really is, with insurance and all... of all the assets one has, health is perhaps the most important.

well... time to write up a resume.

R

la la laaa dee da

2006-06-07T22:53:00.000-05:00

as always, I woke up and turned the tv on. then made myself some breakfast and went to library to return my cds. I didn't borrow anything and came back after buying a bottle of coke.

after more teevee surfing, I went to work out and did my legs and abs. my abs are killing me. and for all those who are working to trim their butts, lunges work.

I then talked to C, who is planning to go to Europe in July and he was explaining to me his itinerary. he flies into dublin, spends a few days there, then takes a boat to france, visits paris, then rides a train to amsterdam and then takes a train to rome. (which I thought was dumb since if you're going to visit rome, you might as well stop by a few other cities along the way) I told him to visit cologne, then berlin or hamburg instead of going to rome. or a southern french town like montpellier or toulouse.... but everything just sounds so yummy, if you ask me. I love europe. I think he's going to stay in amsterdam for a few days more. it's like sending a five year old into a toys'r'us.

came back, ate, played with the guitar and I sit here watching letterman. and I don't know why letterman is bashing the world cup so much. soccer is more popular than hockey, if his staff doesn't know. MLS sells more tickets than the NHL. and that's a good indicator as to why very few people care about the stanley cup. I predict that the professional lacrosse will be more popular than hockey in five years........... so kick off is on june 9th. I'm actually excited about it. I think england is going to win this time around. team japan has two key players who are injured and they may or maynot make it through the qualifying round. they're in the same block as brazil, which means an automatic loss, and the teams they have to beat are croatia and australia. australia pulled off a 1-1 tie against holland, ranked 3rd in the world, and though team japan has historically "rolled over" them, it might turn out to be a tough match. croatia reported has a very strong team and it'll be another tough match............... and team usa is a viable threat, for perhaps, the first time in world cup history. they have the capability to take it all, but highly unlikely.

sooooooooo. more of the same. and I go to the department of human services tomorrow for my monthly meeting.

R

wednesday

2006-06-06T21:16:00.000-05:00

like always, I got up and moped about. I'm beginning to ask myself why I'm doing this. it's not as though I'm in extreme physical pain or severe confusion. I can work... and so I'm really beginning to feel bored.

after fiddling with my guitar, I went to work out. today was a cardio day so I biked for fourty minutes and stairmastered for twenty. my butt has diminished in size, which is a good thing. and as of late, I've been eating more. I'm now at a stable 142 from 145. three and a half months of working out, I've managed to lose three pounds. oh, well

came back, ate and I sit here typing as I watch star wars episode III. I've seen the movie before and I'm still amazed at how bad it is. the charactarization of the characters sucks. the whole thing makes no sense. and I don't understand how yoda moves that fast and still chooses to use a cane when walking. and how can the chancellor go undetected as the sith lord??? that's like bush with an alter ego as osama. it's a shame since I always watched star wars with a sort of awe when I was a kid. I'm sure lucas could've hired herds of fanatics who would've created a better story line than the one that exists.

and come to think of it, I haven't been to a movie in a while. it's the summer season. I should go out to see a few.

inspite of my absolute nothingness and boredom, I'm feeling better physically. I think the recent decrease in my seroquel was a move for the better.

R

another week, yes another week

2006-06-05T22:53:00.000-05:00

so today is monday. much like all the mondays preceding this monday, I have nothing to do. I am beginning to rot and I pobably should start sending resumes out... the school thing has failed because of the collgege not offering the course and DVR just isn't reliable. so work it invaribaly has to be....

I moped about, then went to work out and came back after talking to C. C, who has ADD, was speed rocketing on aderol. and I also learned he pedals aderol. anotherwords, he sells his prescription meds to his friends and such...........for a revenue of $200-300. courtney love claimed that kurt cobain turned into an aggressive heroin user because he was diagnosed with ADD and because he was put on, essentially, speed while he was kid. we're surrounded by drugs folks.

so I sit here while watching letterman. last week was drag since it was re-run haven...and I miss craig ferguson.

nothing new, nothing new, nothing new...
I think I'm gonna go visit B at his house. I'm bored out of my mind.

R

what the...

2006-06-04T20:39:00.000-05:00

my posts for june have not been reflected onto this blog...damned server system...

I really don't have too much to report... nothing has happened and nothing will happen given the lifestyle I'm leading. booooooooring.

I got up as usual, went to work out and biked and stairclimbed...my lower back is bothering me since I over did it on my back and arms day...and since then I've been sore. what do you want from meee...I've never done deadlifts in my life...and might I ads that they work.

I then ate dinner and went over to Ra's house, only Ra wasn't there and it was Br his roommate organizing the game. it only turned out to be a game of four and I was knocked out on a weird hand. yep, when the right people aren't there, everything just seems weird.

so I bought wendy's and came back.

this routine is killing me. my brain feels numb. I'm not as intellectual as I can be and want to be and I'm stuck in this dull yet stable state of dumbing oblivion.

help.

R

same old, same old

2006-05-31T20:45:00.000-05:00

maybe I should post every other day...but then again, posting has become a habit. I still manage to post even when I come home smashed. and much like the posts I've been making for the past three weeks, I really have nothing to post about.

I got up, went to the japanese book store with my mom. mom now has a hobby of making her own herbal tea and she wanted a book for it... I tagged along to see if a new comic book had come out. if I didn't explain it before, comic book reading is a norm for everyone in japan. it is like reading a magazine or newspaper, you will find grown men reading them on packed trains. I found the new edition of the comic book I was looking for and bought it.

we got home, I went off to work out. today is my legs and abs day. and I almost puked during the sets. I'm working them a lot harder than during my toning routine and it'll take a few more work outs to get used to the lactic acid. after doing all my exercises, I talked to C and the topics were, girls, drugs, how to grow drugs and bipolar and ADD. C, by the way, has ADD. it seems as though C's spores all died and he's now adjusting his humidifying system to give it another go...and we must find other topics of mutual interest since I'm pretty much bored talking about drugs.

came home, ate and I sit here watching the mets. 0-0, bot. 11th. I'm still having a tough time figuring out if Wagner is going to be effective come crunch time. he has stuff, he just doesn't seem to have control over it.

so nothing new. I hope we get new episodes of letterman and ferguson tonight.

R

yep, stagnating

2006-05-30T22:40:00.000-05:00

woke up, fiddled around with my guitar and went to work out. yes, this is what I do every single day. it's good that my bipolar symptoms are subsiding... buuut, I'm having trouble moving out of this stagnating gig that I have going for me...

so I did my cardio and I do my legs and abs tomorrow. my upper body is pretty sore from yesterday's work out. slowly but steadily, I'm learning how to develop the body.

came back, bathed, ate... and that's about it. I did nooottthiiiiinnggg!!! more of nooothiiiinggg!!!!

maybe, just maybe, I should go work at the local starbucks.
and I should read again. I gave up on Stephen and Joyce because of my noodling with my guitar. reading evens out the tempo of my thinking and it also keeps my brain stimulated. teevee does a pretty good job of demolishing intelligence and eliminating any and all remains of questioning and reasoning.

my favorite teevee shows include: letterman, craig ferguson, hogan knows best (vh1), supergroup (vh1), will and grace (re-runs of course), coupling (I've seen it over and over and over again but it still gives me an edge that "friends" doesn't give me), overhaulin'(TLC), mets games and I always end up watching becker after craig ferguson...

anotherwords, after a college education and years of corporate life and personal turmoil with a serious illness, my teevee tastes have not evolved beyond when I was 16. go figure.

there was a time when the regimen shifted...in college, my girlfriend and I kinda sorta lived together since we both had our own apartments...it was just convenient to stay at one location. and near her apartment was a rental video store which rented out a lot of indie and european movies. not to mention japanese films, which basically are indie because of their low budgets. so we bombarded ourselves with non-hollywood films for about two years. and I probably was anti-hollywood during that time.

when I began working, I gave up teevee all together. I simply did not have the time to watch anything, not that there was anything on. and then when I began living with my ex-fiancee, she having lived in france for ten years and being fluent in the language, we began renting loads of french film. yep. it was a confusing time in my life.

but now I'm back to all that looks hollywood.
and why am I babbling on about teeveeeee....

good night.

memorial day

2006-05-29T18:45:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I posted yesterday... I'm trying to remember how I got home... and somehow I managed to post(not very well though). there was a barbeque at Ra's and on top of the many beers that I had, I lost at beer pong twice. I don't remember how I won money last night. it's safe to say that I don't remember any of the hands I played. but how one manages to win while twisted and drunk is beyond me.

anyway, after a restless sleep due to too much alcohol, I woke up and worked out. I felt like crap, but I went to gym anyway. today marks the beginning of my lean muscle building phase and I repped my chest and shoulders till I almost lost my cookies.

came back and talked with D, who explained to me how baked I was, and we decided to have dinner together. she came and picked me up, we had sandwiches at a deli-like place and had coffee at starbucks afterwards. D seems to be doing ok. it's yours truely who has to get his act together.

so I sit here thinking of what to do next. I do have to get my ass into gear... I just don't know how.

and to all veterans and service men and women, thank you.
there actually was a time when I was fascinated by the military. I was in a program called NJROTC while I was in high school...I even went to boot camp and all. I sort of realized it was a tough job after the gulf war was televised and decided I'd do something different...but thank you thank you. men and women at the front are doing their duties. white collared generals and white house lunacy are different issues.

good night, good night.

R

sunday

2006-05-28T23:14:00.000-05:00

so I woke up late to sunday. I went over to Ra's., played cards and came home.

I won $70. not bad. and I was also high on ganj. I guess I'm on a weed thing right now. I some how run into it.

anyway, no work out today, just some good old ars in me right now. not to mention the 6 beers.

yep, that's all for the day. I 'm not doing too good on the image improving thing am I???

goos night.

R

saturday

2006-05-27T22:58:00.000-05:00

I was woken up by D who called to tell me that Ra's going to have a party tomorrow. I was going to go play cards anyway so it really didn't make much difference...but thank you D.

with nothing to do, I went to gym to get the proper weight for my deadlift and bentover rows... I've decided on a split work out where I work out my chest and shoulders on one day, legs and abs on another and back and arms after that... so I'm preparing for next week and I'm a bit fatigued from four weeks of toning. I probably took three or four days off, which after further reading, is not too good for the body. I did my cardio and came back.

and after hours of nothingness, here I am. I've been doing nothing for the past four weeks. zeroooooo. I really do need to find something... and I've been saying this over and over for weeks now.

when am I going to start life again???

R

friday

2006-05-26T20:28:00.000-05:00

I went to sleep at around 5 am. I ended up watching a bruce lee documentary/movie and it was fascinating to see some of the details behind the movies...martial arts flicks, for the most part, are rediculous-lacking-in-substance rolls of film to me, but I realized there was much more to it than action moves...although, in reality, it doesn't go too much beyond a series of fancy martial arts sequences. anyway, it was just fun to watch. so I woke up a bit on the groggy side as I was driven to the hospital for my routine visit to the shrink.

today I had to give some blood to test my lithium level. I haven't been taking the pills in the morning and due to that, my level was below theraputic. and so the dosage was raised from 900mg to 1050mg. though I suspect my metabolism has gone up and I was expecting this increase... I visit the hospital again in two months and hopefully everything will be ok.

on the way back, I stopped buy sam ash, a music store, and picked up some picks and guitar strings... and an L wrench to adjust the action on my strat copy bridge. it's interesting to step into a music store. so many new effectors and amps...I never knew vox came out with small 20 watt boxes...but for the most part, the content remains the same... nothing has changed in ten years. same strats, same les pauls...I don't know how ibanez is still in business, but they are... and I returned home with my ernie ball hybrid slinky's and picks in hand.

from there I fixed my guitar, did a ardio only work out and talked with C in hottub. we promisd to go out drinking sometime soon. C informed me of pot prices in the area... +/- $20 for a gram of pot. hmm... not too different from amsterdam... well, if it's $20, I can kinda understand why people do it. 5 beers or a joint. which would you go for?

came back, bathed, ate and here I type. I can tell my wording is absurdly complacent. I guess my brain isn't firing on all cylinders. this "decadent" lifestyle I have is really getting to me...I NEED TO FIND SOMETHING NEW!!!! but in the meantime, what can I do...what can I do...

good night.

R

thursday

2006-05-25T22:37:00.000-05:00

got up, as usual, moped around, as usual, and worked out, as usual.

same old, same old. I really haven't done anything productive, but then again I'm not manic or anything.... this is where I oscillate back and forth.

nothing too much to write about...Co called and I'll be going to a Yankees game with Co and B. D also called but I wasn't able to reach her cell phone. I guess I'm not in a going out kinda mood as of late...I don't know why but I just prefer being in my own environment.

so nothing new, no prospect of school, no phone call from DVR. sometimes I wonder if I should pack my bags and head for Tokyo. how am I going to get back on feet gain??? yeah, waking up to nothing and working out everyday is all nice and fun, but there's a little more to life than this routine I've managed to create for myself.

anyway. I've been watching more teevee as of late. I've noticed all the major networks are going after those american idol kinda shows. it's still a close relative to reality teevee and is this the only avenue left in satisfying the american audience?? the illusion that the "masses" can be "a part" of "mainstream" teevee??? american idol, as much as I dislike it, may be a good litmus test for promoting a particular artist...to use the teevee to propel them into "mainstream" music and to get a sure thing before making an investment to promote them. ahh, well. it's how people are entertained these days.

I'm going to watch letterman and then ferguson. I've noticed that rupert gets the most air time out of any guest or segment of the show. I wonder if he's really there at his deli?

good night.

R

may 24

2006-05-24T21:15:00.000-05:00

I woke up at around 12:30. I'm beginning to think seroquel was what caused me to sleep forever. I made myself some noodles, watched how celebrity lived on VH1 and then went to the library to return my books and cds. I borrowed three cds, two of them by the red hot chili peppers and one by the flaming lips.

I thought chili peppers with dave navarro were awesome.

work out, work out. I did my usual and I'm beginning to think my usual is not enough. yes, I'm stagnating with my one and only "hobby"... I do my 9-12 exercises religiously, I maintain my biking and stairmaster-ing. but I don't see myself progressing beyond where I am unless I do something different. I guess I'll figure it out... I'm pretty much set on four more weeks of non-pyramid, relatively low resistance training. one thing that has increased is my recovery, I think. with a bit of rest, I can add an extra exercise. I'll figure it out.

came back, bathed and ate. the usual.
oh, B called and I talked to him for a few minutes. that basically was the highlight of my mundane day. maybe I should just walk outside and tan, while I'm at it.

good night, good night.

R

tuesday

2006-05-23T20:17:00.000-05:00

I woke up at around noon... maybe seroquel is forcing the 13 hour sleep thing... anyway, I made some noodles, watched VH1 and MTV and then went to work out.

yes, all I do is get up, mope about and work out. I did my full routine and I'm beginning to think two days of rest a week is a good thing. I say that because I can lift at a heavier level and I have more energy with cardio....... I'm writing up my regimen for next week as we speak.

so I came back, bathed, ate and away I type... while watching the Country Music Awards. the only reason I'm watching it is to get a glimpse of craig ferguson. so far I haven't seen him... then again, he's not very "country" now is he. maybe the network is testing his acceptance in middle america. middle-southern america. he very well may be the next guy up in replacing letterman........ (bit of stretch, now that I think of it...letterman is a TV icon)

I never got country music. I don't understand it at all... what is it???

another day of next to nothing.
good night everyone

R

monday

2006-05-22T21:30:00.000-05:00

monday. I actually woke up at noon. one thing that I have to write out is that I haven't taken seroquel for two days. my vision is blurry which pisses me off and I feel a bit sluggish with seroquel in me. so I decided to not take it, given that I've been pretty stable. ...(I do take my lithium though)... in terms of my bipolar, my symptoms are dormant and I am doing ok for the most part... the reoccuring thoughts are not as severe as they used to be and there's a calm that I haven't experienced in long time. but anyway, I'm not taking my seroquel for the moment.

I made some noodles for myself, played around with my guitar, tried laying down some chords for my lyrics and tried to quit smoking. though I went out to buy cigarettes and ended up failing in a matter of hours.

after a quiet afternoon, I headed off to the gym to work out. it is amazing how much energy one regains after two days of complete rest. I comfortably worked out at 20% more than I usually do and my cardio was (40 min of bike, 15 minutes of stairmaster "sprints") effortless. the gist of it all is to work out at your max as frequently as possible...therefore rest has to be calculated and workouts planned. I am into month four, which still means I'm a beginner in terms of lifting. I'm now thinking of what I'm going to do after this week, since I either rest or I shift to my muscle building routine...... I wish I had a personal trainer who would give me answers.

I talked to C in the hottub for about an hour and he was anxious about his "babies", his shrooms and how they would mingle now that he has inserted his sterilized horse pooh. the spores apparently grow into the matter and rise to about six inches. once the umbrella portion begins to crack, they are cultivated. C finds out how he does in 20-30 days. from there, 85% of it will be dried out and C will have all the hallucinations he wants and needs to have. C also wants to trade "stuff" with B..... and why am I even writing about this????? we also talked about girls, where would be a good location for C to transfer to (he's movin' on to a four year college) and I lent him a dollar for him to buy rice (for dinner) at a chinese restaurant. which makes me ask a question that I asked before...... is recreational drug use that popular?

came back, bathed, ate food and I type, type, type, realizing some of my previous posts have been absolute garbage when it comes down to eloquence in a colloquial manner. not that I have any eloquence in a colloquial manner. but bad by my standards anyway.

so here's where I stand...

illness
- stable, no serious symptoms arising
- eyes are bother some...maybe from medication, maybe from allergies

school
- back to the drawing board, might ask DVR for financial assistance

job
- no will to go look for a full time job, seeking an employer who understands my situation, need help from DVR

social life
- buds to hang out with from hospital program (yes, being bipolar means you need bipolar support), buds to hang out from poker, friends here and there in the city.....as celibate as I am, it ain't too bad

yep. baby stepping forward, I guess.
I'll see what the department of labor can do for me. and I'm in no hurry. it was a dent to my existence to be thrown off the corporate fast track thing... but then I realized there are many ways of getting to many-a-places...so I'm in no hurry at all.

sooooooooo.
any bonds fans?

as tremendous a feat it is and with full knowledge that steroids doesn't enhance one's capability to make contact with a ball.........I for some reason have zero respect and I praise the high schooler who caught the ball and refused to give it back to bonds. as a matter of fact, I hope all of the homer ball receipients don't return any of 'em to bonds.

good night good night. the mariners have won three in a row. and the world cup is in a little of two weeks.

R

back to my usual settings

2006-05-21T23:06:00.000-05:00

wew. so I was at B's the other night. nice place with two cats and a ferret... it was B, To, Co and myself, drinking and smoking and we chatted until one or two-ish. To is a friend of B's who also has bipolar and we all babbled about a bunch of stuff. B has a nice entertainment system comprised of a pc, big flat screen and free 500 channel cable with free playboy channel. how people manage this stuff, I don't know. but I guess you do get creative when you have lots of time on your hands......

and Co left early in the morning, To and I slept until about noon and I was then tought how to play an MMORPG, which is playing a game on line with lots of other people. I think the title was, City of Villains. I'm semi-hooked I think.

At around four, To was nice enough to drive me home...B lives about 40 minutes away and it was nice of him to do that. I found out that To used to work at chippendales (or however you spell it) and that he made 5k a week. that the line of work was drug infested and also fun to do.... for a short period of time. an interesting bunch, bipolars. To also walked 220 miles from pocono pennsylvania to atlantic city during a manic phase. you hear of people buying expensive cars and what not, but walking 220 miles is a feat.

came back, took a bath, played around with my new guitar (wopeeee) and watched the Mets vs. Yankees. all three games were good. the Mets are for real this year.

I need sleep...two hours max last night and I need rest. my mind isn't working at all...

good night amigos.

R

hello, from bobby's place

2006-05-20T22:39:00.000-05:00

so i woke up and went toCo's party. about ten of us there and had a good time barbequing... Co based the party on a Hawaiian theme and from there we went to B's place. and I am accessing my blog from B's 36 inch screen. with some ThC in my body. so this accounts for my kindergarten english. everyone says high (no pun intended)... more details tomorrow, for now I needed to accomplish my daily task.

good night, good night.

R

hmmmmm....another friday

2006-05-19T20:32:00.000-05:00

another friday. as I woke up at 2:00, thirsty and a bit hungry. realizes that he must have more goldfrapp and garbage mp3's, as the close-to-illegal services of morpheus are put into use. and he also accesses wikipedia to learn about the musicians and their history...so that he will be able to answer post baby boomer trivial pursuit, when they actually issue it...and if board games survive for another twenty years.

yes, this is me and I haven't evolved a bit...and FIT not having a patternmaking course doesn't help at all.

still sulking, I went to work out. I did my full routine...I'm now completing week three of my low resistance, fat burning routine. one more week of this and I'm supposed to take a full week off. yes, one week of no working out. an impossibility. they say it takes 36 to 96 hours for muscle to grow back after the work out. and that a rest period is necessary for optimal growth. I might take two or three straight days of not working out my upper body... but after that, it's a continuation of the same routine folks............

the same routine... I need to do something different, seriously....I'm just decaying right here.

tomorrow, Co has a party at her house and I'm probably going... though it is kind of far away from where I live. I will purchase a guitar for 40 bucks... and I will probably have a few more beers than I should if I do indeed go. sigh. I'm stagnating...

good night.

R

aptitude test

2006-05-18T21:05:00.000-05:00

I woke up at 12:00! hurray. and washed up to go take my aptitude test at DVR. my mom dropped me off at their office and I went in to take the test.

it was an interesting test. first we (me and two other people) were tested for hand dexterity. one test involved move pegs from one board to another, the other made us flip the pegs around and replace them and one more, where we had to put washers into small pegs. I think I did alright... the second portion was done on the pc and it was kinda of like an IQ test that lasted about 40 minutes. after I completed them, I headed on home....... so this'll give them a direction as to what I want to do, I think...........

I came back, downloaded some Goldfrapp, who were on Letterman last night. it's funny to hear electronica-goth music on Letterman... but I was kind of impressed by their performance and downloaded their major songs. the concept is depeche mode-esque with a hint of curve but it turned out to be good music to work out to...

and so I worked out. did my full routine and came home. I can tell my butt is shrinking. it's from the squats and staimaster + the routine biking. this is a truth. if you want to do something about your gut and the fat around it, you need a consistent cardio activity and you need to strengthen your quads, hamstrings, gluts while working your abdominal muscles. gimme another month. or two. I will get rid of the flabby stuff.

came back and my mom handed me a letter form FIT. it came in a small envelope indicating something bad......and as I read the letter, they basicaly told me that, "there were not enough applicants for patternmaking, please apply for the textile development and marketing course"..... this kinda screws everything up for me. come on, no course for the year??? the costs weren't justifiable??? sigh so I applied to the other course since it wouldn't hurt (all my paper work is in so no extra effort) and I sit here with nothing planned................... welllllll. so it comes down to this, huh?

what am I going to do???

I guess I'll take this to DVR and see what they have to say about it...... they'll have a more concrete plan for me by the time I return so I'll get their input... but what am I going to doooo????

ok...buy a cheap guitar. practice a bit. then go online, find people with similar musical tastes. form a band. there you go. (I play guitar by the way)

so I sit here with nothing planned in the future and I'm a bit disappointed with the letter I recived today. if that was the case, why didn't you inform me sooner? but then again, I guess that's how "severe" the budgeting is in universities now a days.

I guess the best move is to find a job, given these circumstances...

I'll think about it some more.
and I need another beer.

good night.

R

more of nothing

2006-05-17T20:04:00.000-05:00

so I woke up at 3:30, another worst for me, and proceeded to download more music. only I've had it with the mining that I have to do and finally resorted to downloading Morpheus. yes, the p2p thing that does bad things for those who have rights to content. I do have to say though, that the files found on morpheus are limited...unfortunately... you won't find all that you seek for though you do come across interestig live recordings and such... but none-the-less, I'm going to try it out......... though I feel a bit guilty. ah, I know, I know, you all do it. there are 150 million morpheus users out there.

I then went to work out...my quads wee killing me since I over did it yesterday and skipped my leg work out and did my full upper body routine. then I biked for 40 minutes and stairmastered for 20. I am now into month four of my workout regimen. according to some of the stuff I read, I should now progress to intermediate works outs, involving free weights and individual muscle building. I think I'll get to that in a month or two...I have started to do bicep curls with the weights but that for the most part is all I do outside of the universal machine workout that I have. the progress is good, I think, my muscles are slightly more defined and I have increased all the weights by about 10%. and I feel a loooot better.

and so I sit here again, full and bathed, downloading material from morpheus.

tomorrow I go back to DVR to get some aptitude testing done. that should be fun....

inching my way forward, but yes, it's more of nothing. am I progressing??? sigh. I don't know...

good night.

R

DVR

2006-05-16T20:12:00.000-05:00

I woke up at noon!! an improvement. and then washed up and went to DVR (department of vocational rehabilitation). I had an appointment with one of the counselors there at 1:30...

I spoke to Ms. G, who is my counselor, and told her of my illness, under what circumstances I was referred to DVR, my educational and work history...etc... and she basically told me there will be two options in my case. 1) go directly to employers for full time or part time work or 2) go back to school to pick up a new trade/vocation/profession. but before she goes on to make a decision, I first have to take an aptitude test, which will be on next thursday... after the results come back (2-3 weeks), I have another interview with her. and so there I stand interm of my next move... everything is still very vague, but what more can I do for the time being?

on the way back, I stopped by to cash my genneral assistance check, then returned my cds (and borrowed seven more) at the library, bought a bacon cheese burger combo at wendy's and came back... one of the cds I borrowed included Cream's live concert at royal albert hall. and they brought the house down on that one. jack bruce is not as wild as he used to be when he was younger but very solid and ginger baker is nothing but awesome on every song. and clapton is clapton. if you haven't heard it, you need to. it's amazing what the "seasoned" Cream can do... quite refreshing since all I've been listening to has been music that is borderline "noise", though elegant in its own way...one thing about clapton. I don't know if he's using his trademark "active" strat during his performance, but he always comes across as being too "clean". now, who am I to critique eric clapton, a guy who has won over four generations (and has the capability to fill concert halls in any country on this planet), who has released hit after hit in every decade of his career, who is still humble enough to say "I can't sing or play like a guy straight out of louisiana, I need to practice my ass off...it requires discipline for me to play the blues", who will probably be knighted by the queen at the end of the day?? yes, who am I... but, I wish he'd cut loose every now and then. edgyness and all. and who am I to critique eric clapton????

with the trio in my mp3 player I went to work out. I did my full routine, biked for 40 minutes and did a variety of stairmaster workouts. I think I like the staimaster, as painfull as it is. then I came back, bathed, ate, told my parents about DVR and here I sit, typing.

I'll probably "mine" more french stuff, though it's becoming annoying...so much to the point where I'm thinking of buying some cds...which I guess is the natural course of events...or I might search for some more brit underground stuff... I hate to say it, but the american rock scene has gone to, third or fourth time I swear...shit. yes, shit. american bands... aerosmith is a notable. REM is an off-the-map notable...Sonic Youth, to me, is an off-the-map notable...Pearl Jam may still make the cut...maybe not... maybe Beck... why all this music talk, I don't know. I guess that's how bored I am... The Boss...he's god here in jersey. Bon Jovi does not make the cut anywhere but they still somehow stay afloat here in jersey... hmm... Elvis Costello? anytakers? and no, the gunsnrosesvelvetrevolveraudioslave-derivatives will not make the cut, thegreendayallamericanrejectedsemipunkrockcommercialgarbagebands will not make the cut.......... no wonder 50 cent, usher and kanye sell so many records. their music is better. simple. it don't have to be rock'n'roll no more. popular culture at the moment is driven by, dare I say it, Marvin Gaye and Dr.Dre.

sigh. I'm just lookin' for stuff to listen to. after kurt cobain, it was dr. dre. these two geniuses defined the 90's. now that dre is kinda fading, it's back to the early eighties with a twist. I'm looking for that sound that demolishes the defacto, that's so new that it makes you listen to the song...according to bono, cobain did what the sex pistols did in the uk...redefined sound, redefined the generation. and that makes me think....... how many people actually listen to "rock and roll" to begin with? it probably is a declining market everywhere. oh, well. let's see what happens. even in the early eighties they had michael jackson and madonna. and duran duran. and boy george..... a post modern array of sexuality and its exposition....not very artistic, but weird in a circus act kinda way.

why am I so critical today??? must be from getting up too early.

good night.

R

another week, another week

2006-05-15T21:00:00.000-05:00

another week. and I woke up at 2:30.........................I need to find something to do.
I surfed the web and having obtained most of the "key" bands I listen to, I'm now seeking expand my listening tastes. though I try, it's hard to go beyond the post 90's alterntive-rock-industrial-grunge-brit'pop'ish shoegazing stuff I listen to. I also do listen to a lot of japanese pop but most of the stuff is too teeny booper for my taste. as for classical music I prefer vivaldi-bach baroque stuff and mozart...beethoven I do like but after that things just get too complicated for me. schumann, strauss fine (well, shumann depressing alot of times), but wagner, mahler, etc. are a bit too much for me...when I listen to berlioz, it's like listening to the pinnacle of 250 piece plus orchestration and an extravagance that is more grotesque than artistic.

yes folks, they developed the amplifier in the 1950's. and a guy named les paul connected that to his electric guitar. pretty soon, the rolling stones began playing to audiences of 100,00+. and mozart and bach are now rolling over in there graves or have formed a rock band in the after world... quite possibly recruiting john lennon (I don't know about george harrison though) and maaaaybbee john bonham to play drums. how do I know, I'm typing out of my ass right now. but they would make quite a four piece band...

so I'm now "mining" french pop rock on the web.

thank you babelfish for the online translation.

the "chanson"-ish stuff sometimes does it for me. but then again, I've never really looking into the "genre" so to say... and I have no clue what I'm talking about. but I did get exerpts from Autour de Lucie, Mickey 3D, Diabologum and Les Elles...irratic to say the least. most of the chinese sites didn't carry them so I had to look for the stuff off of search engines...which requires a lot of effort.

and so with my new found french pop rock, I went to work out. I did the full routine and sat in the hottub with C for about an hour. he is now using sterilized grain to grow his spores. and he's pretty anxious as to how the outcome will be. yes, it's a science, getting high. and after conversations about girls, travelling and how to grow marujana, I came home and ate.

and I'm downloading french pop...again. see what happens when you have too much time on your hands??????

I go to the department of vocational rehabilitation tomorrow. I hope I qualify for one of their programs so that I get my ass out of this very chair and do something constructive. but then again, listening to music for most of my day is not a bad thing to do...

anyhoo, good night. and if you know of any cool french pop/rock singers/groups, please do let me know.

R

happy mother's day

2006-05-14T20:26:00.000-05:00

so I woke up. still alive. and got ready to find out where DVR (department of vocational rehabilitation) is. washed up and then had my mom drive me to the place, which was only ten minutes away. we came back and I went to work out, as usual. only the gym was closed. and I hate it when that happens... with no other option left, I did my squats and leg exercises and then proceeded to a backdoor staircase that leads up to the condominium complex. and I did stair climbing there. 12 laps, about 30 steps. pretty exhausting, when you do it in real life. then I ran inside the complex...probably a half mile or so...and found out that running is also a tough thing to do. yes, I'm still out of shape. I do want to join a club or something in the fall. and I am in horrible shape for any mildly serious activities.

came back, took a bath, ate food and headed off for Ra's.

it was a mini tournament of seven people, three of which were high. all the people I encounter do drugs. is it that common, "recreational" smoking??? or shroom eating or what ever??
anyway, I played like absolute crap and ended up being the second one out. I'm playing like crap, I tell you...I'm away from the ebb and flow of poker since I stopped playing online (free games, of course) and I somehow make stupid mistakes on hands that I normally would not make mistakes on. but anyway, I had an interesting time. J, who is a drunk-high-non-stop-talkng-"you can call me drunk or whatever but I'm going to taunt your ass until you're fully annoyed and I will have your chips by the end of the day"-none-the-less-amusing-russian-lives-across-the-street-from-Ra, was mixing up the game by abusing the bluff...and took all of my chips on a pretty dumb hand.....................I don't know why I'm talking to you about J.....somehow I feel the games are turning into pot smokers r'us kinda a thing. it was fun last summer, but the tides have shifted some what.

and I walked back, here I sit, typing my day away. for all the mothers out there, happy mother's day.

funny thing, nothing is celebrated within my household. oh, yes, nothing.
at around age thirteen or so, I remember my father telling me, "since we are japanese and buddhist, we don't celebrate christmas", and received nothing for christmas. shortly there after, birthdays were also taken off the list and the only thing that kind of made the cut was new year's. now, these events are normally celebrated within the japanese household. how christmas got into a culture where 99% are either shinto or buddhist, I have no clue. but christmas arrives in Tokyo or Osaka or any other place, and birthdays usually come with gifts and such. yes, valentine's day exists, there's a thing called "white day" that comes one month after valentine's day, and it's where the boys return chocolate or some other gift to the girls in return for what they received on valentine's day. again, how this makes way into a culture where christianity doesn't exist, I don't know. and to show for it, easter failed and got caught during immigrations. there are no bunny chocolates in japan. or those little eggs that kids hunt for. and so with his ressurection still being questioned at immigrations, Jesus' birth is acknowledged with certain parts of his story still missing........though I have to say, christmas is more a celebration of couples buying each other stuff and parents buying their children stuff...which kind of is like what happens everywhere...but again, how St. Nick makes the roster is a question no one can answer...even when the Pope cut him from his list........aaaaaaaaaannnyyway, the holidays and celebration days are just like any other days within my household. and many people respond with awe at how bland we do things.

what a weird entry tonight. it must be because I'm sober. one drink tonight.

good night.

R

more of the same

2006-05-13T18:15:00.000-05:00

more of the same. I stayed up and watched a Hayao Miyazaki film, japanese animation w/ excellent story lines, and went to sleep at around four am. and so I woke up at 2:30...I really do need to do something about my schedule here.

so I went off to the gym without eating anything and did my full routine. I think I'm beginning to see a difference in my belly-waist-butt area. my biking is kicking in, I think and hopefully, at around this time next month, my squats and stairmastering will kick in as well. it makes me wonder...........was I that out of shape when I began working out in February!!???? was I!!??

oh well...it's the price you pay when you're coming out of a depressive phase... yep, bipolar really screws you up. from june 2005 to december 2005, I was in my room, flat on my back, either staring at the ceiling or the tv...though I have to say, I didn't eat all that much...I really didn't do anything, come to think of it...

but from then, I've recovered considerably.

then I hottubbed as I talked to C and we babbled about a variety of things. I don't know why, but drugs are always a part of the story. it's almost as though he wants to try out lithium and seroquel....but entertaining none-the-less.

I came back, did my laundry, took a bath and here I am. nothing to do on a saturday evening. am I ever going to improve??

so off I go into chinese mp3 land. oh, the translation software, Babelfish on yahoo! is extremely helpful. nevermind learning internet chinese...why learn anything when you can manipulate a pc which does everything for you? yes, we're turning into species that needs a pc interface to be able to do anything. some people even need powerpoint to explain what they do for a living. and some even go into a frezy when their cell phone batteries run out....... and I really don't care anymore, I think...so long as I can get my mp3s, technology is a friend.

good night.

R

slow friday

2006-05-12T21:07:00.000-05:00

yes, a slow friday. I woke up, ate some food and proceeded to download more songs. I need time to do it, since we only have dial up...though if I went out and bought a wireless usb router (I'm told there are about 4,5 broadband lines that have not been secured in this condominium complex...), I'd have broadband access.

but that just sounds wrong, even by my standards.

so I finally found The Boo Radleys, a Brit jem of a band, and downloaded a few songs...I also downloaded Roxette(gulp...I kinda do like them)...and I'm finding the chinese sites that give me the stuff I need.

so after a healthy downloading session, I went to work out and did my full routine. the rest did help and I was able to do my lifting with relative ease...which gets me thinking...am I doing the right work out for my goals?? or should I increase weight and decrease reps on a few of my exercises? oh well...I'm completing month three and am moving onto four. I'll find more literature on the web. after my weights, I biked for fourty minutes and stairmastered for fifteen. and my ass is my enemy.

I hottubbed and talked to C for about an hour. he was talking about his tripping expedition to central park with his skateboard and his honey'n'shrooms mix. according to him, "everything visual becomes emotional"...when on shrooms...and then told me of how he economizes his shrooms...it seems as though the spores are actually legal in the US of A and can be bought via the web from a variety of labs. what is illegal though, is to sell growth "kits", of providing everything necessary to grow them, in one package. so, one needs to know a friend who is successful at doing it or read up on some web site (how do I know??)....so after the infrastructure is set, he sells them to a wholeseller at a lower bulk price..(C doesn't enjoy the risk of getting busted by selling on his own). one "batch" generates 2K for him... and why am I writing this stuff out?? I really have no interest in recreational drugs...I just like to drink beer. though, once you have your infrastructure set, it only costs $30 for your next batch of spores and they also create a second generation (though not as good as the first).... why am I writing about this stuff????

came back, bathed, ate food and here I type about growing shrooms. the idea of growing them is fascinating to me though. it just sounds like an art form. the using bit I really don't care about. but 2K for a batch?? it makes you wonder doesn't it? (not really...the idea of prison just sounds bad).

enough of the shrooms bit.

I'm going to download more... come to think of it, downloading illegal goods is, in a way, similar to growing shrooms. you at some point become numb to the legalities (when they're really rigid for the most part) and keep on going.

anyway...good night and stay away from those shrooms.

R

spelling errors

2006-05-11T20:57:00.000-05:00

I was re-reading some of the posts and I must say I suck at spelling. or typing. or both. and I apologize for the weird sequence of letters in my past posts. of course, I will continue to misspell from here on in.

so I woke up. yes, I'm still alive. I then surfed the web, downloaded lots of stuff from chinese websites. yes, from westernized standards, china may be lacking in humanitarian efforts. they may be hogging up the world's manufacturing, there by creating trade deficits that have been unheard of. they may end up having the world's strongest basketball team by the year 2015-ish. I don't know. but they do provide for napster level file downloading. pro's and con's people, pro's and con's. I remember doing research on the music industry in china back when I was product planning and it's estimated that 90% of all cds and dvds in the market are pirated versions............................and I not helping either...........I actually feel kinda guilty, downloading all the stuff...but then again, I need music...and windows xp, for the meantime, allows me to do so, so if windows says it's kosher, it must be kosher. there. blame it on technology.

so after juggling some moral questions (not really), I transferred a bunch of songs on to my mp3 player and went to work out. my fatigue still hasn't left my body. I don't know if it's left over lactic acid, I don't know if it's my muscles rebuilding...either way I felt a bit nauseated and biked for thirty minutes, stairmastered for twenty and walked a mile. I think my heart's endurance is picking up again...it's just that my muscles this time are not responding.

came back, talked to Co for about an hour, watched a replay of the Yankee's Matsui getting hurt. his injury looked pretty painful and I began wondering what would become of the japanese fans...though Matsui is not of a Pujols, Ramirez, Ortiz, A-Rod caliber, he still is the most watched player in japan in terms of MLB. Ichiro and Matsui cultivated all the japanese signs you see behind homeplate everywhere... it's estimated that 5,000-10,000 japanese fans flock(from japan) to yankee stadium to watch Matsui play. what I'm getting at is, he gets tons of media time, he has sold tv rights to japanese broadcasting stations, etc, etc, etc. what makes Matsui a great team player is that he has been a good ambassador for the yanks (by the way, I hate the yanks), he earns unbelievable amounts of dinero that allow the yanks to keep A-Rod, Jeter, J.Giambi in the same line up and still hunt for pitchers(who, I hope, will not come to yanks). the impact is serious from the japanese fan base perspective and I hope he gets better soon.

ate food, and I sit here typing.

and I will download EVERYTHING... though I'll probably go buy the stuff I like.

ciao.

R

thr routine visit to the borough

2006-05-10T22:00:00.000-05:00

I woke up and went to the health and human services department of my borough. talked with the lady there for about 20 minutes and got my monthly check for $210. yes, it helps immensely. from there I went to the library, returned my cds and borrowed seven more...though I must say I'm running out of pop stuff to borrow. next thing you know, I'll be moving on to jazz and classical.

then I stopped by the pharmacy to drop off my slip and waited around for my meds. it's fun to go through a pharmacy you know...the countless number of health improvement vitamins and other stuff in pill form...I was tempted to buy some creatine, which they say helps to build muscle...but didn't, thinking it to be a waste of money for me (at least for now...I might give it a go a few weeks from now). but I will venture to say this. excluding stationary and other non-pharmacy "junk" that they have in there, 30% of the products are cosmetics and 40% are weight-reducing-diet-related-shakes-pillformstuff and other mixes...obviously the big business driver is the pharmacy (I think...I could be wrong but with the billing and stuff, retail must be doing pretty good), yet the product dispersion is similar in most chain store pharmacies... I some times wonder why they have that isle for toys? or electronics? out of convenience? why not have an in store cafe area instead?? I hate to say it, but a walgreens or cvs really has no need to revamp anything... with pathmarks or shop rites, there is legit competition as to how clean the stores are, how fresh the meat is, etc.... medicine is unfortunately a necessity, but isn't there something more than staying with the toys aisle or the canned food isle? and I don't even know why I'm writing about the subject. I guess I was in there for too long while they prepared my meds and got to see the majority of the product line up.

and so after this route, I recorded all the cds on to my pc and went to work out. I was sooorrreee. I am beat. my muscles are not responding, it is clear that I need rest. and so I pedaled the bike for thirty minutes and stairmastered for twenty. I think I need to increase the intensity of my cardio to make it more effective and stairmastering seems to be the optimal route, though it does clash with my squats...my quads and hamstrings can only take so much and since they are still out of shape, I need to be careful of how much I work them...

but anyway, I hottubbed and came home. and there you have it, that was my day.
still at 145 lbs. after three months of working out, I'm gradually learning about the balance of the exercises that I do...I have become more muscular but am no where near where I want to be...and as for my jeans, they are still tight. and so my project of improving my body still has yet to make that break through, of being able to wear all of my jeans... the butt and the lower abdomen are stubborn when it comes to letting go of fat, I tell you. they hoard it.

aaaaannnd.....it really does make me wonder...how much more of this monotonous life can I take? of waking up, working out, writing, reading and watching craig ferguson...

I'm going to download some music... it's the only other thing (besides working out) that keeps me going.

yes, yes..."it's a bittersweet symphony"... I can change, I can change, no, no...The Verve nailed that song into pop-ism...

good night.

R

more of the same

2006-05-09T20:26:00.000-05:00

more of the same...woke up at 2:00, went to the japanese supermarket with my mom, searched for the latest edition of a comic book, wasn't there yet, had a coke and came back. and then surfed the web, primarily chinese, to find sites that would let me download music for free.

I say it again, I am respecful of copyrights. for the music I do download, I most likely have a cd to show for it. so it is just retaining my rights to the music I have purchased in the past. and I make no sense and I'm sorry Bono, for ripping you guys off...though I really do have all of your cds and a few tour dvds. and I paid more for the japanese versions too... anyway, as I realized how intelligent windows xp really is, I was convinced that we're (pc technology, that is) nuturing a generation of american kids who are partially fluent, if not fluent in internet chinese. there is no such thing as a royalty or copyright in china. it's a mere illusion. hence, games, music, video, etc. is free flowing in a space that really has no borders. I too, am now venturing to learn the internet chinese (and I have a slight edge because of my japanese...you can make out words and phrases and kinda figure out what's goin' on...).

and so after downloading tons of U2, I went to my work out and found out I was just plain spent...I had no energy, I could not do much...and so did a very light lifting routine and biked for thirty minutes and staimaster-ed for fifteen.

bathed, ate, here I am.

nothing new. tomorrow I go to the health and human services department of my borough to get my monthly welfare check... I just need to find out if I got into school or not... it's the issue that still hasn't been clarified and I need an ultimatum from them......so gimme the letter FIT, my life kinda depends on it.

so far recovery has been good...inching forward... I just hope I get to the next level soon. working out has done a lot of good to rebuild my strength and mental well being. the only thing I can do is to continue that till I feel even better about myself.

anyway, bon soir.

R

so another week begins

2006-05-08T22:12:00.000-05:00

so another week begins. and mine started with me getting up at 4pm. a personal worst. I went to bed at around 3am...why 13 hours??? I went downstairs, made myself a sandwich and then read some joyce. and off to gym...

I did my lifiting, my biking and stairmaster-ing. I have finally defined my goals. one is to maintain brain chemical levels. the other is to have a well defined body with an increase in both power and endurance. and for the time being, to reduce my ass and improve lower back and leg strength. hence to introduction of the stairmaster.

I then talked to C, who probably was away becuase of his finals, and he avidly told me of his obession over horse manure. now, C is growing some shrooms and he needs high quality horse manure for his batch, since the spores grow on horse manure. it seems as though they work really well on evaporated and powdered, sterile stuff, since they like cleanliness... and he's rattling his brain over how to get it. enter the world of a recreation drug user. I just told him not to use the oven at home to steralize the stuff... he proceeded to ask me why. anyhoo, after talking about his marujana parade in nyc and our discussion over the space program, world history and the importance of the baby boomer generation, I parted and came home.

I did nothing today. well, I worked out, which is always a good thing and I learned about growing shrooms.

good night, good night.

R

sunday, poker loser sunday

2006-05-07T20:44:00.000-05:00

I woke up at 9am!!!!!!!!! drank a glass of water and then went back to sleep, only to wake up at 2:30... had a sandwich and went to the gym...lift>bike was the routine, only working out your leg muscles really hits you...I also tried the stairmaster after my biking... yep, "i wanna perfect body, i wanna perfect soul, i want you to notice when I'm around", as the radiohead song goes.

I then went to poker, only to lose. it was a weird hand, the one I lost, but weird none the less. when beginners come to Ra's house, it's always weird. how could I lose on a hand that was mine, is all I could say....

oh, Co called in the aftrnoon and she switched me to her brother, who offered to sell me a strat copy for $40. hell yesss!!!! I want to play guitar, I need a guitar, here I am, $40 copy strat! so what if you sound horrible. I can now compose as I write lyrics. a dream come true.

and so after five beers, wendy's food, here I am, writing.

progress?? none what so ever.
I just wish everyone a good night.

R

nothing new...I'm getting very redundant

2006-05-06T21:10:00.000-05:00

I got up at one. hurraaayyy. and ate a sandwich and promptly went to the gym. C wasn't there...and he hasn't been here for a week so I'm wondering if he was shipped off to a different pool. I kinda miss talking to him. but anyway, I did my lifting and my biking. fifty minutes on the bike works. I hottubbed a bit, came back, wrote more lyrics, ate food and here I am.

nothing new. and my days are mirror images of one another. it's a good sign in terms of my bipolar, but it's not so good interms of progress.

I've noticed that I've been writing alot about bands and such...I guess I'm downloading lots of mp3s and have also been reading wikipedia biographies of the bands that I download (what did people do before the internet??? seriously, I am probably the last generation that still remembers being clueless about what was going on in the world...) and so, I've learned bits and pieces of future trivial pursuit information...

my bipolar symptoms have remained quiet, if anything I'm feeling a lot better because of the work outs and I've also retained tons of coping skills gained through the program. I hope I stay stable and I hope to progress...yes, like a parrot I'm saying the same thing over and over again.

part time work? school? gulp, full time work?
once again, my goal is to rent a studio in or around manhattan and to regain my independence.

it really just seems so far away.

and so I rest for another day of exhausting exercise.

good night.

R

the week in review

2006-05-05T21:47:00.000-05:00

I got up at 2:00 and went shopping with mom (yes, lots of mom bonding...it's funny when it happens when you're 29, or is it?, but anyway, lots of mom bonding) to the A&P at 2:30. though I do not normally buy anything that has simple carbs (except coke), I bought cookies and tapioca pudding. I couldn't help myself and I have discovered that you do need to eat to work out and function......but was it prudent to buy tapioca pudding? chocolate chip cookies? probably not.
and I also discovered a bunch of great cds at the "misc" corner in the shopping center. though my mother fails to understand why I need so many cds (I have about 800 or so in my uncle's garage), I looked over every one...R.E.M, Rolling Stones, The Cure, Neil Young...artists who really do not deserved to be sold at $6-10, but then again, I know nothing about distribution and revenue sharing of coprighted cds. I almost bought the REM cd, only I have every REM cd (in my uncle's garage)... if only they had the greatest by The Go-Go's... I'm actually in my Go-Go's phase, for some reason... even though they have turned Disney and even if Hilary Duff covered their wonderful song, "Our Lips are Sealed"... I am on the look out for them and I will search through the "misc" stuff at supermarkets. great songs can be found anywhere.

came back, ate a sandwich and went to work out. did my lifting, my biking, my hottubbing, came back, ate and wrote a bit. the usual.

as for my week in review, I've really accomplished nothing, outside of the fact that I figured out that it was my ass, not my waist...well, it's a combination of both, but anyway, I've really been idle. I'm being careful not to do too much introspection as it causes a galore of problems for me, but this lyric writing really puts things into perspective for me. and so more idleness... but then again, I need this time to rebuild a bunch of things...my health, confidence...they say it takes six months to recover from a "crash", and it's only month three for me.

I've also added Bobby's Blog to my links. I met him at the program and I can say enough about him. great guy, and good luck in your blogging B.

and now I recooperate for more strenuous exercise tomorrow. I'm beginning to like the feeling of lactic acid building up as I do the lifting... yes, for me exercise is primarily a vanity issue. I do want to look healthy, I do want to be "better than par", if there is such a thing...but as of late it's turning into a necessity and a hobby. I do feel great after I accomplish all my sets and cardio, it really does help in leveling serotonin and dopamine and all the other brain chemicals and it's fun to see the subtle results of doing proper combinations of exercises. there's a feeling of satisfaction... at least for me.

so I troop on...troop on...

goodnight.

R

couldn't wake up

2006-05-04T20:27:00.000-05:00

I couldn't wake up today...my entire body was aching and it took some time to realize that my lower back, my quads and my hamstrings were sore as hell...yesterday was the forst day I included leg work outs and even though I did anticipate soreness, I never anticipated how sore I would feel. and so I hobbled around a bit, smoked a cigarette and left my bed at around 3pm.

yes, my structure is completely lost. I wake up after noon, I go to sleep at 3, 4 am. and I keep asking myself, can I hold a 9 to 5 job? will I be able to get up at 7?? ........probably not.

at 5:30, I promptly went to the gym, did my full work out and biked for 50 minutes. I've stopped walking for the time being, since I'm adjusting to my new lifting routine and I don't think I have the stamina to both walk and bike. I then hottubbed and came back.

that's pretty much my day...I'll probably work on my lyrics a bit more...my goal is to come up with about 50. I currently have two (and a half-ish). writing down all my thoughts help immensely and it almost does provide for some closure on the "bad" incidents that I've had in my life... and I never had the patience to grind out words until quite recently.

but I do need to work. or at least be invovled in some program that'll help me get closer to a normal life. this pattern that I have is self-destructive (for the most part) and I do need to be doing something to occupy my time.

in the meantime, some more writing... yes, phase two of recovery is tough.

R

the day I realize my ass is too big

2006-05-04T00:15:00.000-05:00

today is the day I realized that my ass is too big. yes, too big. and I'll tell you why.

I got up at around 12, as I set my alarm clock, my desperate attempt to return to a "normal" time zone. and after taking a bath, I had my mom drive me to coconuts, a music retailer, to return my mp3 player that had dies the previous day. yes, a traumatic experience, I must say. I gave my the box with all the goods to the clerk and also handed over my reciept, only to find that hey no longer have any stock and that the only option left was to call the manufacturer.

so mildly disenchanted by the service there, I then went to target, to look at potential mp3 players. yes, it was new season time and the shop was geared for new products. and the memorex player and audiovox player were being sold at sub $40 prices. not that I would buy them. I pretty much gathered that everything would be at 1GB and that if target made that move, every retailer would join. 1GB for 2006 folks. anyway, I decided not to buy another player and instead bought a pair of work out shorts and a bathing suit. a total of $11. how could you not buy them?

I returned, called motorola, the manufaturer of the mp3 player and was told that I had a power/battery problem...that I should let the player rest for more than two hours without the battery. I had left the player alone for 24, thinking that there might be a possibility of the firmware to reset after a considerable amount of time. aaaaaaand, the player revived!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yes!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm saved, I tell you, saved.

and after writing some poetry, I went off to the gym. I have decided to mix up my work out, to "shock" my muscles by doing something different. so I did my bench presses, then did an underhand pull down, then did my butterflies, then did a lift up on the universal (3 sets). from there I reverted to my lat push downs and did a bicep curl. AND...then I did a back deadlifts...and went back and forth between squats. MY ASS IS TOO BIG FOR MY BODY. yes, mon amie, my ass is too big. and this is how I found out.

after my work out, I tried to put on my new shorts. size 30. bit slim, but size 30. my ass exploded through the shorts...........................my cheeks are just too big. it's not like I'm fat or anything. my butt just could not be sustained in size 30s.

ha. from tomorrow, it's about my ass. yes, my ass.

I came back, bathed, made some steak and Co called.
we talked and talked for three hours. as I drowned in six beers. Co was a bit down, but I thought she sounded pretty put together...you ok Co? we watched craig ferguson together and she still insisted that conan was better. no, way. no way. we talked about everything...from relationships to musical tastes. I might visit her on friday just to hang.

and so I sit, 1:28am. it's about my ass. I'm going to figure out how to make it smaller, alright????? to be so blind to the fact that my ass is too big... what have I been doing for two months and a half??????

good night all, next time we meet, my attitude towards my ass will definitely be augmented.

R

mp3 player

2006-05-02T20:12:00.000-05:00

I woke up at I think 2:30pm...well past my usual sloth-ness. I made myself some noodles and then got dressed to go to the library. my mom drove me there and I borrowed six more cds. and then I walked home, enjoying the may weather.

as I ripped all my cds, I realized something. my mp3 player wasn't working. I tried everything to revive it, but it was dead... noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!! noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! this is a critical moment for me. now I know why sony goes through rigorous validation and testing. I loved my player!!! noooooooooooooooooo!!!! come on motorola...you guys make cell phones which requires more sophisticated technology.... can't you make an mp3 player that works for two years???

so mp3 player-less, I went to do my work out. yep, the fat burning routine is tougher in the sense that you have to do it every day and you limit your resting time between sets. I did my routine, passed on the walking and biked for 40 minutes.

came back, ordred pizza, took a bath and talked B. he also went the same program and we talked about how we were doing. always good to talk to ya B. and after the phone call, I ate my food and here I am, watching trainspotting.

I've seen this movie hundreds of times and love it. renton definitely is my favorite, along with diane. I love the club scene where diane downs both drinks and where renton od's. and where all the laddies crash with renton in london. plus the music for it is great.

so I head back to coconuts where I bought my mp3 player... since it's two years old, I don't think they're going to have stock of it... in which case I'll get store credit and I'll have to buy a lamer mp3 player unless I pay a bit more... I'm just concerned about my wma files.... all the music I've recorded to date is in wma and I think the encoder-decoder for it is secure... I need to find a)software that will transcode it, b) a player that also plays native wma.

I want my mp3 playerrrr .

R

May!

2006-05-01T20:25:00.000-05:00

I woke up at 1:30pm...and ate some toast, surfed the web and downloaded more music. my bloody valentine was the main band for the day but I also ran into a lot of tracks by sonic youth... and realized how much I missed some of thurston moore's guitar work. sometimes it fringes on noise, but I'm sure there's good reason for it. I think.

and so with my bloody valentine and sonic youth, I headed off to work out. today marks my return to the low resistance, fat burning routine. I decided to do a tricep pull down, a lateral tow, bicep curls, bench presses, butterflies and bar pull down... as you can see, I am making up names to the exercises I do. I don't know what they're called, but they work. I also added some quad squats (without weights) and I'm consistent with my crunches and situps. I skipped walking today, as I knew the lifting would be a heavy toll on me, since I haven't done some of the exercises for a long time. and I went straight to the bike but also lacked energy on that... so no intervals and I got off after thirty minutes of pedaling. all in all, I think I'm tired... I might be mildly over working some of my muscles but I'm a bit scared to rest.

came back, ate food and here I type.

my life, at the moment, is about waking up, surfing the web, working out.
and reading sometimes. I've read a few pages of "Ulysses" and will continue to do so.

it's may... and I have to go pick up my GA check... and go get food stamps and stuff.......

should I just skip school and go get a job?

R

sunday, yep sunday

2006-04-30T22:07:00.000-05:00

got up...or rather, was woken up by D on the phone. her group was congregating at a park, right next to where I live and she basically dragged me out of my house. so I took a bath and walked over to the park and met her friend there and talked for a bit. I then returned to work out (since working out is the most important thing I have in my life right now) and I did my walk bike routine...I'm resting up for monday where I revert to my everyday-lifting...I don't have the concrete routine for it, but I'm thinking of the optimal work out as I type.

so I came back, took another bath and kept on calling Ra, since I did feel like playing poker. but he didn't answer and D called back to tell me that he was at a wedding somewhere. and so D came to pick me up and we went out to drink beer at a local bar. I had five drinks there, D had three and we talkd about life and the absurdities of it. D's mom who is unipolar seems to be in really bad shape and D really didn't comment on the horrifics of her household. but I could tell there was something wrong. and so we washed it away with beer and that was that.

I came home, found out that Da had called and promptly called him back (a fellow patient at partial hospitalization) and found out he was in a rut as well...complications with his wife and her alcoholism, complizations with his job, his kids etc... but he was doing all tat he could to recover abd we made a promise to hang out sometime...

and so here I am. sunday. just another sunday, just another day. I'm doin' alright, you know, and I'm making the best of it, inspite of all the junk. if I had the power to alleviate the shit us "mental" people have to go through, I's do it in a whim... perceived normalcy, as my friend B quoted it, is far, far away and I have trouble conceptualizing it at times........... so D and Da and myself stay punch drunk from the circumstancial crap taht gets heurled our way.....................

but I had fun and it was a good sunday. beautiful weather and I hope it keeps on getting warmer.

R

2 pm

2006-04-29T19:11:00.000-05:00

so 2pm is when I get up. I've been consistent for the whole week. I got up, shaked off my drowsiness and called T, who called me yesterday.

we talked for about an hour, she seemed to be doing ok and I hope the reoccuring bad thoughts have receded for her. we ended up talking about religion and spirituality and stuff like that...I don't know why though. I know that catholisim is important to her, but I guess it was the weather or something... we promised to hang out sometime as she finishes her program and I sincerely do wish for the intelligibile four or five of us to just hang and talk.

I then went to work out, but my muscles just weren't responding. I'm maxed out... but I none the less did my bench presses, my lat pulls and butterflies...and bicep lifts and decided to skip on the situps and walking...I biked for 30 minutes, no intervals, and sat in the hottub and talked to C. I ended up going out to buy a six pack and we drained it behind the gym building in our complex. lots of stories about his adventures in recreational drugs and I also told him about my bipolar. I some how knew he wouldn't be too judgemental, and I think he wasn't for the most part, but I felt as though it was a step in the right direction for me in encountering new friends. I get the feeling that I'm making C into a complete drug addict (he very well may be), but at the same time he has an interesting quality that comes only with being decadent for a bit of time. anyway, we drank the beck's dark and he went on his merry way.

I came back, bathed, ate my sashimi and here I am. here I am.

I have no plans for tomorrow...only I'll probably go play poker...and I feel as though I'm in a rut... that I'm not progressing. all things considered, I'm doing all right...inching forward. the socialization part really isn't going to well, but then again, I have people to talk to and that's more than I had before.

I'm in much better shape compared to me in february and I think I look better in a T-shirt. what next???? really, what next? I'm stable, I am capable of some work, I'm not moving forward... what next?

I might go to D's group meeting tomorrow, but then again I may not. why the hesitation, I don't know.

and so here I am, here I am. I'm doing my best, to an extent and I do want something more in my life. how I'm going to do it, I don't know.

R

recovery, recovery, recovery

2006-04-28T20:55:00.000-05:00

once again, I woke up past noon...my body ached to the point where I just didn't feel like getting out of bed...and then D called and reminded me about her sunday group. I was still asleep and I can't remember what I said... D is having a group with all the mentally ill people she has encountered and is also teaching walking and breathing techniques... D, I hate to say it, but you're a novice at the stuff, and even though yoga techniques are applicable to symptoms of mental illness, I sure wish you'd do it in a different setting. I, for one, am very hesitant in participating because of the yoga and buddhist themes (which have nothing to do with each other)... beware D, there are buddhist cults you know. yoga died out in Japan because of the AUM cult who released poison gas in Tokyo subways (they used yoga to advertise their cult). if you're looking into Japanese derivatives, houkakyo may be cult-ish, even nichiren or tennri is cult-ish to the japanese eye and god only knows (yes, god or allah or zeus or oden (odin??? not familiar with norse mythology, I'm stretching it) or whatever...) how many small groups there may be. I'm straying off on a tanget here... oh well, I have time to kill until "coupling" comes on air (Brit BBC drama, funny). sarah is pregnant and I can't miss the episodes.

I then napped after eating a few pieces of raisin bread (yes, I'm that tired) and went to work out. I think I have maxed out interms of my work outs. I'm fatigued and I need some rest. but I walked my two miles, I did my 50 crunches and 50 situps and biked for thirty minutes, without any intervals. and then talked to C the lifeguard for awhile. I was in the hottub but the chlorine level was too high and my skin started to burn...so it wasn't the most relaxing hottub experience I have had.

I came back, took a long bath, ate food.

and am now watching coupling. I didn't get to joyce yesterday and I don't know when I'm going to...but reading helps to slow my thinking down so I really should read.

R

going back as an outpatient

2006-04-27T20:50:00.000-05:00

the clock read 1pm when I woke up. an improvement from 2pm, but I've reverted to sloth mode. I got about 12 hours of sleep. when you go above eight, the feeling of you getting enough sleep becomes numb... and you end up being sluggish. I need to wake up in the am hours.

did my laundry, took a bath and had my mom drive me to hospital, the first visit to my psychiatrist after partial hospitalization. I talked to her for twenty minutes or so, complained about blurred vision and all the floaters I was seeing, we talked about possibly changing the seroquel I'm taking (but didn't, since I'm stable for the moment and the dosage is very low)... got scripts for my meds and I return in a month. yep. part of the bipolar lifestyle. I hope my visits will be few and far between.

on the way back we stopped by CVS and I picked up some oxy (oxy as in pimple removing oxy, not oxy as in industrial grade heroin oxy)... and a notebook... I feel like a teenager again. I have acne I need to clear up, I need a notebook to journal and my mom drives me everywhere. thank you mom, by the way.

so once I got home, I opened up the container and with a bit of nostalgia, took out the medicated pads and applied the stuff on my face. it burns like hell, I tell you, hell. acne, be gone. I'm almost thirty damn it... or is it a perpetual thing, pimples?

I proceed to the gym with my face still burning and did my routine. lifet>walk>bike, only I didn't have the endurance to finish my biking. I did most of my intervals, but stopped five minutes early. it might be time for some rest... I've read a lot on training techniques and the more I read, the more confused I get. there are so many varieties of work outs, variances in methodology...the only constants are a)don't eat too much, b)keep working out on a consistent basis, c)don't over do it unless you know what you're doing. next week I return to my low resistance, fat burning lifting (which I do every day, while the muscle building one I only do every other day). I work muscle groups since I'm more or less a weakling... and I also learned that you only get to see your six pack when your body fat is at 8%. that's insane. I probably have 15% now. so much for a six pack in four months. but you never know... you never know.

then I hottubed, came home, bathed and ate meat. I didn't read Joyce last night, come to think of it. I ended up downloading, gulp, Britney Spears. and radiohead (to redeem my quasi-artsy disposition). for some reason "toxic" just stuck in my head.

I really miss the structured routine that I had up until last week...it's just sad how quickly you revert to being a sloth.

joyce, joyce, joyce. I'll do my best to get to him before craig ferguson, who has turned into a part of my daily life.

ya, ya since you've been gone

2006-04-26T20:30:00.000-05:00

it's amazing how soon you go back into sloth mode. I watched craig ferguson last night, went to sleep immediately afterwards, but woke up at 2 pm. yep, I'm back in sloth mode and I'm losing at least six hours of day light. it's all your fault craig. oh yeah...I've been wanting to e-mail his show...might do that sometime soon.

so I got up, took a bath (I prefer baths over showers, ok?) and had my mom drive me to the library. everytime I have to ask her for something, I feel like slitting my wrists. back to middle school R, at least you went everywhere on your own for half of high school. sloth + invalid. hopefully I'll be able to turn this state in to a pleasantly humorous episode in a few years. anyway, I get to library, I returned my cds and borrowed more. I've pretty much borrowed all the artists I liked and now I'm looking at the "residual" cds...cds I borrow just because I'm there. The Velvet Underground (I like them when I'm totally calm and relaxed), more Beatles (Rubber Soul), an indies band, "The Shins"(there's something about an indies band at a library...they just blopped up on radar...though they, gulp, sucked) and...and...hesitates a bit... Kelly Clarkson and Usher. next week I'm thinking Elvis Costello, Sting and Bjork. I also borrowed "Dubliners" (which I read about a half of a few years back) and "Ulyssis" by James Joyce. and I returned the grammatical abberation known as Henry James. I lack the quirky "sophistication" to read him now but I will return one day, yes I will. and at the moment I have no plans of meeting him in the after life. he seems too complicated.

after coming home and ripping all of the cds, I was surprised to realize how many hits Kelly Clarkson had managed to dish out. I had heard the entire cd without knowing it...on the radio, tv shows, etc. in general, I tend to shun the "poppy" pop singers geared for an audience of 14-22. however, I do like Sheryl Crow, who's lyrics aren't overly cheezy, there are still hints of an "angled" attitude and the songs are melodious. I thought about those things while eating a Wendy's classic single with cheese... I immediately new that I was fatigued this morning. my shoulders were asleep (as in lack of circulation asleep) and my thighs weren't fully supporting my weight. and when that happens, you feed yourself.

so I ended up working out to the anthem of many-a-seventeen year olds. "thanks to you, now I get what I want, since you've been gone". ya, ya, since you've been gone. and Usher's "Caught Up". R&B/Hip Hop, even in a pop sense is something I'll probably never be able to get into. but the song has a great hook. and I completed my walk>situps>bike routine while listnening to the two artists. I think Kelly Clarkson strains her voice a bit too much... but then again, who I am to say anything to a reigning american idol?

I hottubbed a bit, sweated as much as I could, came home and ate a small dinner.

and this is what happens when you have too much time to kill.
sloth + invalid.

well, off I go into the world of joyce and turn of the century Ireland.

good night.

R

left me in the vaccum of my heart...

2006-04-25T12:06:00.000-05:00

so I woke up to the sound of the phone ringing and it was Co from partial hospitalization. it's a pleasant way to wake up actually, knowing that you're missed by people. I talked with her for about fifteen minutes...she seems to be doing ok but is none the less juggling issues (who doesn't juggle issues, come to think of it). I also got to talk to A, another friend and I really do miss them. them and the program. we had a few weeks where we had a group of really nice people and the group sessions were very productive. we need to set up a group some where Co. and thanks for the phone call.

I then called the pharmacy, confirmed that my medication was ready and also talked to my counselor at DVR for the first time. I got an appointment in May and I'll see where it goes from there. so I got some stuff done this morning.

Co mentioned that she was terrified about leaving the program because she had no structure after it, nothing planned...I can totally relate with her and it is daunting to know that there is nothing, that you go back to a place where many people judge you for being "mentally ill", that it is a tough climb when you don't have treatment coordinators to rely on and counselors to moderate sessions and people you can talk to on a non-judgemental basis... but we'll get there Co...

then had toast with cheese on it, browsed the net and went to pick up my meds with mom. I got my meds and we stopped by the pathmark next door, bought six gallons of water (since it is my job to carry the heavy stuff), came back and I sat around listening to music until my work out.

I'm looking for U2 songs on the net (I've bought every single U2 album so I'm allowed to rip the stuff off the net... so I tell myself) but I can't find any tunes from the "Zooropa" and "Pop" albums. I think they're the most maginificent albums on earth, especially "Zooropa" and I love Edge's sound making on both. but I guess too many people remember them as they were on "Joshua Tree"... the true color of U2 comes out when Edge unloads. part of it is playing around with ambient noises and stuffing in a lot of pedals... anyway, I missed my dose of "pop artsy U2" as I was listening to the rolling stones. start me up... did you know that Mick does the finances for the band? I learned that on trivial pursuit... I sure knew it wasn't Keith though.

I did my lift>walk>bike routine, only I felt weak today. I don't know why. fatigue maybe. rest is part of the work out and I just couldn't do my intervals on the bike. I just pedaled lightly for 40 minutes, just to get enough cardio in.... then jumped in the hottub, came back, ate and I'm online now.

I am getting stronger, yes. I can tell that my muscles are tightening up and my skin texture has improved greatly, yes. WHY DO MY SIZE 30 JEANS STILL FEEL TIGHT!!!??? what am I doing wrong!!??? patience, patience, patience. I'm on the verge of giving up my one bottle of coke, not that it'll make any difference. I don't eat all that much, I watch the carb intake.... WHY DO MY SIZE 30 JEANS STILL FEEL TIGHT!!!???

now, standard logic. 1) keep doing what you're doing and the jeans will fit. 2) increase the work load so that you burn more fat. 3) you're not working out properly. 4) you're 29, your metabolism has slowed down so deal with it. 5) the position of the moon is 3 degrees off so it just seems as though gravity is winning at the moment, aawww, what do I know...

it's my tummy, my ass and upper thighs and I need more around my torso (I sound like a girl...). I've followed weight lifting techniques word by word, I've seen the results, only I'd like to do something about the above in particular. anyway, I had to vent. this is the only planned project I have going on right now and I just want to fit into my jeans. I'm broke, I can't buy any more, so all the more reason to work hard.

oh, I've given up on henry james. he's too...elaborate for me, at the moment. I'm going to the library to borrow Joyce... or some other author who seems appealing. I got through a quarter of "The Ambassadors", but I just can keep going with his writing (or my inability to read his writing).

good night, good night good night.

R

soooo...back to the real world...

2006-04-24T20:24:00.000-05:00

today marks the first day out of partial hospitalization. and I got up at 2 pm.
did I mention that I had six beers yesterday?

...and so that's what happens when you have nothing to do. but I will try to augement that today. I'll go to sleep after craig ferguson and do my best to get up during the am hours.

so, I got up, drank water (and lots of it) because I felt mildly hung over (yes, I now have lower tolerance for beer and I might be aging) and ate two rolls to get my body going. I called DVR(department of vocational rehabilitation) to schedule an interview, but couldn't contact my assigned coordinator. so I'll try calling again. and then I called the pharmacy about my seroquel, but it seems as though they still haven't received authorization for it...and so I got nothing done interms of my chores... though I did do my laundry.

I happily found comments from thebluestbutterfly, I've added a link to her site and I felt happy that someone was reading this blog of mine. it actually made my day.

then, at 5:30 pm, I went to the gym as I always do and did the walk>situp>bike routine. I could tell that I had too much beer. I ran out of stamina while I was biking and I really didn't like the sensation. all the more reason not to drink. but, I did the routine, I felt better and dove into the hottub and talked to C the lifeguard. the topic of conversation was 90s movies and I said that "trainspottting" and "fight club" were the two "non-hollywood-ish" movies of the 90s. other movies that were noted were "pulp fiction" and all things tarantino, "run lola run", etc, etc... we both admitted our disgust for disney, we both turned out to be depp fans. C's much more of a movie watcher (a media watcher I should note).

came back, ate food and I'm facing the pc. I did nothing today. nothing!!! partially hospitalize me!!! please !!!! no, no, no, but on a serious note, I do need something in my life. I'm making baby steps in socializing and I'm actually happy about the friends I've made since I got here... I'm never going to be the social butterfly type and I prefer a few friends here and there but close ones. as they say, you can count the number of real friends with one hand and I believe that to be true.

so, what do I do?

I looked at my application status with FIT, I saw that all necessary documentation was there. all I can do is sit and wait. so decide you admissions people, let me in and give me FA.
I'm going to call DVR again and I need to schedule the appointment soon. this is my next step. I also need the pharmacy to come through with my meds. and another thing I have been procrastinating about...food stamps.

I don't think I'm ever going to use them, but the city requires me to go get some. I have the paper work and everything so it's a matter of just getting to outreach programs and stuff... it's a dent to my pysche, food stamps... nothing wrong in them, it's just that I never thought I'd be receiving them... it's a shock. yes, this is where I am. not a very pretty place, but this is where I am.

well, good night to everyone.
thank you butterfly for the comments and nice link. you've been the highlight of my mundane day.

R

poker

2006-04-23T23:32:00.000-05:00

I was dragged out of my sleep by the phone. D was calling about her new group and she was asking me to come. I was half asleep and couldn't reply and decided to call her later. and when I did, I told her I wasn't going...I can't break my work out routine and I'm going to Ra's anyway.

so I went to the gym, walk>lift>bike, and hottubbed for a good 30 minutes. I'm doing all that I can to build endurance. my muscles can take a lot but my heart can't...I can feel the decrease in stamina as I pedal and all I can do is pedal more to improve it. four more months. yes. then I will have the athelitic abilit I want as I well.

came back, D called me to tell me that she disliked the outcome of the meeting and was planning to disassemble it. if you ask me, I think she should be a bit more patient about it. but it's her group, she can do what she wants with it.

then I went to Ra's with a case of beer, played, lost on a dumb play and split a pot on a mini game. I was down by $15 at the end of the night. not bad at all. then I played a bunch of retro nintendo games there and came back home at around 12am.

a nice evening, all in all.

I think the lack of the partial hospitalization is going to hit home tomorrow... monday, nothing to do. yep, I might feel a bit lonesome.

but then again, we are in stage two, as I call it, of my recovery. stage five is when I complete it. in stage two, I still have to be patient and wait my trun to get out. I have a lot of anxiety and apprehension in moving forward.

R

and we start again...recovery phase part 2

2006-04-22T18:45:00.000-05:00

yes, recovery phase part 2. this is where I make my next step (after partial hospitalization). I'm thinking I'm going to have to leap here. I have to.

my father woke me up this morning (or at noon, I should say) and dragged me to the bank. as I mentioned before, my tax return belongs to mom so I cashed a check and gave it to my parents. my mother has to go to Japan for my grandfather's sannkakiki, which means, according to japanese buddhist tradition, the spirit comes back to the home every so often and the family memebers have to be there to greet him when he does...and that is in october, and there my mother will use the money to send over my guitars, cds, electronic equipment, a few books, bags, other small items.

so we came back and since I was asleep when I was dragged out of bed, I had forgotten to stop by the pharmacy to get my meds (I'd run out). so, I asked my mom to take me there and then to Target and off we went. I only got my lithium (since seroquel requires authorization by medicaid) but I have a few pills left over which will suffice until monday. at Target, my primary objective was to buy headphones for my mp3 player (since I work out, I need ones that will stay on me even with physical activity) and I selected a phillips one (I'm still reluctant to buy anything sony...yes that's where I worked, if I didn't say before...). I also got some batteries and ended up buying T-shirts for summer and for working out. the T-shirts were dirt cheap. but acceptable by my design standards (they're very low at this moment in my life).

on the way back home, I did a quick analysis of the retail environment at Target and came to the realization as to how much improved everything was compared to when I was a teen. the floors are clean, everything is sku-ed and organized, prices are cheap but "brand name" companies are also wanting a piece of the mid-low priced retail space... in terms of electronics, the product strategy is semi-logical...not ideal (in my mind), but it's easy to tell Target does a good job of mixing high-end to "quiality" non-brand. it's a great proposition for any consumer...I by no means endorse Targets and Walmarts, but it really is hard to beat the merchandising and product propositions of those companies. yep. I was a designer freak a few years ago, but now I guess I grew out of it. at the end of the day, I love the kick back jeans that I have and I love my faded T-shirts. I love them. and that'll always be the core of my style, if I have one to begin with that is...

I worked out walk>situp>bike>hottub, talked to C the life guard. C and I need to talk over beer sometime. wonder if he'll go out for a beer or two on monday.

washed up, and here I am. I was re-reading all the post I had made. blogging helps too... I hope to keep this up...

I still have henry james to read and I also need to think of what I'm going to be doing next... many-a-issues on hand my friends. forward progress.

R

done. finito.

2006-04-21T21:25:00.000-05:00

my final day at partial hospitalization. yes, my final day. it was routine... but, B made me a cake, got hugs from everyone and got great commnets too. the emotions will kick in in a day or two. but for now, I'm happy with my progress.

D called, we talked, she asked me out to dinner, only later called to cancel. I have to say she's kinda flakey, but I'm sure she has her reasons.

I worked out and just lifted. it's actually not enough for me to just lift anymore. I don't get that sense of fairly deep fatigue with just lifting. I need my cardio. but then again, I've only rested my legs once in the past month, so it might be a good thing. we'll find out how I perform tomorrow.

I'm actually writing fragments of poems or lyrics...since I do play guitar and I might be going to an artsy school, I thought of turning this into a hobby again. I started writing and a lot is just flowing out. nothing worth mentioning interms of an artistic standard, but it helps to express alot of the anguish I carry. and how I miss my semi-acoustic ephiphone casino, probably in need of care in my uncle's garage. and my strat. for the mean time, lyrics and words it is.

while I was writing, B called. B is a great guy, comedian, witty, sincere, open, etc. I don't want to make you puke B, but I do think the world of ya. he called into to check up on me. we talked a bit and for the first time in a long time, I felt as though I made a real connection with another human being. he's won't judge, he'd be worried in my manic highs and lows, he will empathize and he'll listen. and I'd do the exact same. so after D dissed me, voila, B comes to the rescue. thanks for the call B.

and so I ate and I sit here writing. I'm going to go watch coupling since I missed it last week. I'll let the emotions ferment a bit and I'll see how I feel tomorrow.

R

and finally,

2006-04-20T20:40:00.000-05:00

did the routine...for my second to last time. I will miss it. had a productive day...and I kept telling myself to never forget what I learned during sessions. I learned a lot and I am grateful for the opportunity to be amongst a wonderful group of people.

came back, talked to D and napped. D has now tuned into a fish only vegetarian and is hooked on yoga and buddhism. two, three weeks ago it was hebrew and accounting. I hope she's ok...I kinda think she's been in isolation for a long time in terms of illness, so I sincerely hope she's getting the support she needs.

but I have to focus on myself. at least she goes to school and makes an effort to socialize. I don't. I'm much more of a clam type.

worked out, walk>situps>bike>hot tub, ate food and here I am. my work out is finally paying off! better skin texture from all the sweating and increased metabolic processes and more toned muscle. I think I need two more months to get into all of my jeans and four more to have six pack abs. all vanity issues aside, I feel much better, my steps are lighter and it does help to regulate my mental well being. June is full blast summer. and I intend to look good in a t-shirt. and if I don't, well, I'll work on it for 2007. life is a culmination of baby steps. and I do have more time.

well, I face departure tomorrow. I feel proud of my progress and at the same time I feel empty in leaving the program. it's almost as though I need another program to get over leaving my current program. but I will progress, I have to progress and I'll find something to occupy me...I need to fill six hours of my day with something productive. any suggestions?

good night, buenas noches, bon soir.

R

almost over

2006-04-19T21:19:00.000-05:00

yes, my partial hospitalization is almost over. yep. did the routine. had a good day at sessions. I will miss them. and I've learned to accept structure.

came back, downloaded some stuff, went to work out. lift>walk>bike>hottub. I feel good.

reoccuring thoughts having been troubling me some what. specific incidents usually come to mind and it really does some damage to my well being... then again, I have done some horrendous things in the past. the term "move on" is something that I still have trouble swallowing. incidents from high school haunt me. even elementary school. when you are building upon something in the now, it is easier to build confidence and dismiss past blunders. for me, I didn't realize of this fact until a few weeks ago. logic without patience is just instantaneous and patience is the ability to endure time. a thought requires time to be a thought...................I thought I was thinking logically, but I wasn't. I was just reacting arbitrarily to outside stimuli.

I feel better. and I've worked on it. I have to pat myself on the back. and I have to continue to alter my negative behaviors and I know I can do that, with time. then again, I'm only 29. I have more time. I have more time.

good night.

R

coundown - three more days

2006-04-18T19:53:00.000-05:00

tuesday. I did get up on time, had enough time to take a bath and I went to partial hospitalization. I am terrified of what awaits me after my program. I wish I had a week or two more, but what can I do. did my sessions, found it to be very productive and came back.

once I got home, I sat in front of the pc and started to download mp3's. yes, I'm hooked. and I have no money so what am I supposed to do? got some nostalgic smashing pumpkins songs and found a great site for my bloody valentine songs. what did people do before the internet?

then I went to work out, walked>did situps>biked.

and here I sit typing away.

partial hospitalization is a great way to recover from acute mania/depression. also, it provides socialization for those who have been isolating (like yours truley). I've been told my many how "retarded" it would be, but not so, not so. it has been lif changing (yes, it's that dramatic) and I've learned to be a better person through my sessions...in the past I was much more nihilistic and "angled" as to how I viewed the world and interacted with others. I've come to realize that I shouldn't have to anticipate what people think of me and that if I stay relaxed, so will those around me. it's time I graduated from my implosive attitude and childish vanity in terms of socializing. I will be liked for what I am, I don't have to be anything more, with or without bipolar. and as basic as the above sounds, it's taken me 29 years to realize that. yeah, I've wasted time amonst other things, but I think it will make me a better person in the long run. and have to believe that and the sessions have given me a few portals for me to have faith in myself.

and in hind sight, I've been procrastinating a few issues, like organizing topics from my past and developing a clear vision of what I want to do in the future... but it's given me a framework, a rationale for me to perceive things by and I do have hope that the framework will be effective in the future.

so what of the future? my dad just asked me the same question. I have no idea. I just hope I get into school and that I get some sort of financial aid package. if not... if not!???? what ever will I do, mon amie.

bon soir.

R

sleepy, mildly hung over

2006-04-17T15:39:00.000-05:00

I woke up, or tried to wake up rather, and went to sessions. I had four beers and a whiskey cocktail last night. yes, playing poker is negative for the most part and I found out that my body now has a very low tolerance for alcohol, which is a good thing. I'd like to limit myself to two drinks maybe once a week. or two weeks for that matter. I couldn't imagine life without alcohol while I was working and living in a metropolis like Tokyo, but then again I was definitely drinking too much then... improve, improve, progress.

I slept through a few of the sessions and came back. then, I asked mom to take me to the library where I returned Trollope and my 7 cds, borrowed 7 more and came back...Henry James is just tough reading (for me) but I will stick to him, even if I only digest 10% of what he's writing.

so here I sit, ripping the cds that I borrowed. borrowing cds is nice since I can just choose artists whom I simply wouldn't buy at a record store. Annie Lennox is one. Chuck Berry is another. Audioslave (I might buy them...and I might buy Annie Lennox), but you get my drift. my tastes are shifting...I can't take the up beat rock stuff in heavy doses any more, I prefer more ambient, white-noise riddled music that is sometimes classified as "alternative", I prefer lyrics that have "content" or are simply elegant by my standards (and I think I'm making no sense what so ever)... I feel as though I'm accepting the fact that there has been a generation shift while I was out depressed or manic... three years is a big chunk of time. especially when they're supposed to be the best years of your twenties.

anyway, I'm done ripping my cds...I'm going to work out and then go to sleep. I hope everyone had a good easter weekend.

R

won

2006-04-16T23:36:00.000-05:00

woke up and ate two rolls...my body was aching from yesterday's work out but I none the less went to the gym and did my routine. I'm terrified of not going. after I came back, I had my mom take me to the record store and there I bought records by My Bloody Valentine (awesome) and Velocity Girl. I went to sleep and while I was making dinner, I got a phone call from Ra (poker buddy). I decided to go and I went.

four hours later, I won. $120 richer and it goes a long way when you're totally unemployed.
T (a fellow player) gave me a ride home and here I am, $120 richer.

I have my doubts about poker and I do feel as though I'm doing something that is harmful to me, but then again it is one of the only sources for me to socialize and I do like the game.

so an entertaining sunday. I do feel calm and collected, racing thoughts are subsiding and I just hope that I get better and better.

I'm going to transfer my new albums onto my mp3 player and go to sleep.
tomorrow I resume my sessions.

R

lazy

2006-04-15T19:50:00.000-05:00

I woke up and went to the bank with my dad. I deposited my three checks and for the first time in a good eight monthes, there was a transaction in my bank account. yes, I am frozen basically...recovering from mania is hard, to say the least.

on the way back we bought steak at a specialty store, went to CVS (though they wouldn't refund my money for my eye drops...f'n insurance system) and I had to eat the $49.99 for antibiotic eye drops. oh well...at least I didn't have to pay for lithium and seroquel last time.

came back, re-sent my essay to FIT, just to make sure, then worked out (lift>walk>bike), and napped. lazy day for me.

my dad woke me up for dinner and we had sashimi. oh, it's mom's birthday,by the way. I got her nothing...and it's been like that in the family forever. no one celebrates birthdays. or other holidays for that matter...the only one that has any sort of bearing is new year's. but none the less, it was mom's birth day. happy birthday mom.

I'm now downloading mp3's... more Curve tracks. lovely, lovely, lovely.

I'm really tired and I don't know why. and I also feel as though I might be falling into the depression abyss, but I can't be certain. and I find that music helps...and I need all the help that I can get.

curve

2006-04-14T20:14:00.000-05:00

sigh...my familiar routine will come to an end next week. and the frightening thing is, I don't have a plan. taking some time off (a week or two) might be ok, but I still feel like I need more structure.

so I woke up, went to the program (only a few people there because it's good friday), talked a bit, listened a bit and came back. people come and people go. I came and now it's time for me to leave.

I turned on the pc, browsed the net and decided to download some mp3s. it's a hassle because we only have dial up and it takes for ever to download. but none the less, I decided to get some curve songs. yes, curve, the beautiful brit duo (band) that created some of the most beautiful music in 90s. I love them, love them, love them. and since my cds are in Japan, in my uncle's garage and won't get to me until december, I download them on random sites. I do respect copyrights! but, you know, I have like, no money. so I decided to download.

then, I did the laundry and went to work out. walk>situps>bike. aaaaand...I'm still at 145 pounds. what does it take to lose some of it??? I was 130 8 months ago. what the f...

took a bath and ate. and I'm downloading more toni halliday and curve. if any of you are bored of conventional rock or have nothing to listen to that's pop-ish, curve is a must listen to.
and I'm downloading as I type.

and so friday winds down. and I'm still doing my best to progress.

R

easter

2006-04-13T19:52:00.000-05:00

hmmm...similar day to yesterday. woke up>went to sessions>talked/listened during session>came back, napped>read book>worked out(lift>walk>bike)>took bath>ate.

yes, the same routine, the routine that I have become used to, the routine which will end next friday, the routine which has brought me back to life...what am I going to do after this???

I thought I would get a note from FIT, whether or not I got accepted or rejected, but not a peep from the school. so I still can't commit to a goal because of that but I do need to find something that will keep me occupied for may-august. there is a program called DVR(department of vocational rehabilitation) and they might provide some support for my transition...though I have to say that the very thought of going back to work terrifies me.

what to do, what to do...and I only have a week to decide.

I keep telling myself there's no use in being anxious and there's no use in getting depressed over it. I've made progress, I feel a lot better. and I should be proud of that. yep, my negative thinking is so rigid within my head that it'll take years to augment it. I'm seeing bits and pieces of improvement here and there. I'm not as cynical as I used to be and I do have a little more patience. my participation in the program has been a turning point in my life. no joke.

I also talked to D today. she seemed to be tired and complained about being so all the time. it happens that she's also interested in pattern making and wanted to know how I'm doing with my application. I wish I could give you more info D, but I'm also in the dark too.

a pretty regular day. spring is finally here and I hope to enjoy it. and the summer too... last year I spent most of my time either manic or severly depressed. I didn't get to enjoy the nice weather. I hope, I hope, I hope...

happy easter. or pass over.

R

final day will be...

2006-04-12T20:25:00.000-05:00

I woke up, went to partial hospitalization and talked to my treatment coordinator, L. she told me that my discharge date would be april 21 and I agreed to leave on that date, though I have to say I do have my doubts and am still hesitant. my job is now to find structure after I leave and to move forward with my illness. I really do want to regain my normal life, only I don't know how to go about it any more. and the "safety" offered by the program, of being with people who are struggling as well, will now be gone. but one must move forward.

I received a bill from the hospital with regard to prescription medication...it used to subsidized by my charity care but it now must be payed for by medicaid g... and so I took the bill to the credit and collections department of the hospital and clarified that fact. I owe them 126 dollars. sigh. one can pay for doctors bills...but medication is a totally different issue. I also found out that I can only renew charity care after it expires. so the situation with regard to my insurance and health care is still up in the air. but I'm proud of myself for going and asking.

came back, read a bit of Henry James, though it's hard to figure out what the hell he's trying to say. I'm getting used to his cadance and delivery, but he still comes across as being too elaborate for my taste. maybe he was overly influenced by the french or something...what do I know.

I napped a bit and worked out.

after my work out, I took a bath and ate. pretty standard. D gave me a call and I returned it, only to reach her voice message. I hope she's doing alright.

sigh. I feel better, no doubt. but I'm broke, unemployed, and soon to be out of medical care coverage. how I'm going to make it out of here, I don't know. it's humbling, it tests your dignity and I feel a bit anxious and depressed...

I still have seven more days of partial hospitalization.
I'm going to make the most of them.

R

insurance

2006-04-11T20:35:00.000-05:00

I couldn't go to sleep yesterday... I only got about 4,5 hours. so I woke up all groggy and went to sessions half asleep. yep, I need 8 hours. 8 is the magic number. I really couldn't participate because I was sleeping and came back, only to fall asleep while reading Henry James. and James uses overly complicated grammer...it seems as though there are five sentences in one of his.

I still am carrying over the issues from yesterdays post, only I've resolved a few of them...

1. I will give mom 1000 dollars for sending my things from Japan.
2. I have to renew my charity care for one more year
3. I have to decide whether or not to pursue part-time work, at the risk of losing medicaid g

those are biggies and insurance is still heavy on my mind. it actually might make or break me in terms of going back to school. you can't get GA when you're a student...

anyway, I took a nap and did my lift>walk>bike routine. my body is firming up, I can feel mu muscles beginning to work again and I think I see more results over the course of the next month, since month three is the pay off month.

I took a bath, ate and here I am, a bit weary of the reality surrounding me. I'm still very fragile. I've been in hiding for two years. the real world is something that is foreign to me and I still desire that buffer to get me back on my feet. if only I can get my student loans for school...I know they will fall heavy on me afterwards, but I feel the urgent need to restructure myself. and this transition is harder than I thought it would be. I'm delighted at my progress, but I still find the road to recovery to be very, very long.

I need my sleep.
good night.

R

monday, forgot to post sunday

2006-04-10T20:06:00.000-05:00

sunday = worked out, read, read, read and read some more.

monday, got up (barely), went to the program, did the sessions and had my mother come pick me up because I had to go meet Mrs. J at the Health and Human services. before I went, I got my eye drops at CVS (but had to pay full price because of medicaid complications...) from there I went and saw Mrs. J, had a nice chat but was reminded of something that I had forgotten... medical care and insurance. currently, I am under charity care of a certain hospital and I have GA, meaning I get medicaid g. now, when I start working, my charity care coverage will go down, I will lose GA (losing medicaaid) and the burden of paying for medication will become heavier. I, very stupidly, lost sight of that. so back to reality.

I walked home from City Hall and on the way back I stopped by the Fort Lee Library. I borrowed 7 CDs and Henry James. I will probably finish reading Trollope tonight (and will have a hard time tomorrow). I never thought I would see Guns'n'Roses in a library. never. but none the less I borrowed appetite for destruction.

came back, read more about the Trevelyans, how utterly dumb both of them are and how disgusting it is to read about the fighting that goes on between husband and wife, in any age...and how Nora is now set to marry and so is Dorothy, the most like-able of all the characters. and then I did my situps>walking>biking and came back.

I ate dinner, and as I began repping my cds, my mother reminded me that I have a lot of boxes and guitars at my uncle's house in Japan and that I should do something about them. now, these boxes were packed by my mother in 2003, for I was too manic and depressed to do anything...for the most part I was psychotic or depressed or psychotic-ly depressed. and so a big chunk of my wardrobe went into the dumpster (based on my mother's choice in clothing which, I have to say, is archaic and it cost me a few thousand dollars, not that I'm complaining of course), I was forced to part with my Kurt Cobain model fender, my books (damn I miss 'em) went to a used book store...etc., etc. anyway, after my mother's censors, the remainder of my stuff was sent to my uncle's and there they have been for the past two years.

now, I just got my tax return today.
after disclosing the amount, she began talking of my stuff, which is reasonable.
it just annoys me that all which was dear to me had been dismantled, and though I did not have the capacity to pack them myself, I only wished that certain things were not discarded...and everytime I lament the fact that something is missing, my mother gets annoyed, which is natural...she did what she thought was best and I thank her for that... and I'm more vain than others, or used to be so there was a lot of designer junk that probably went under my mother's radar (or it wasn't fitting for her son in the late 20's...). I guess the core of the problem is, I still have something lingering from the past, I have many negative thoughts at it is, I just didn't like talking too much about it.

my tax return is the posession of my mother. and hopefully there will be enough to cover the expense of shipping...

and so I've had jolts of reality today. and I've come to realize that I've been very, very secluded from "normal functioning".

well, I go rejoin Emily and Louis.

and I'm having trouble getting back on my feet.
what sucks is, if I do try and get part time work, I won't be able to get my meds. and I have to refuse to stay on assistance for a long time, as a matter of principle. oh well... topics for tomorrow, I guess.

R

no gym

2006-04-08T15:08:00.000-05:00

I went to sleep at around 12 and woke up at 1:30pm...my entire body was sore it took a bit for me to get up. I did my laundry and got dressed to go to gym, only to find it closed because the management company had lost the keys to it. I don't know what that means, but I was a little disappointed in not being able to work out. on the other hand, it just may be a sign for me to rest...something I haven't done in two weeks.

I had my mom drive me to the library, where I borrowed Trollope's "He knew he was right". I also found that the library carried a decent stock of cds and videos. I didn't know that until today...when I was younger, the library was a place of "traditional" knowledge and conservative entertainment. the one in Fort Lee has The Clash and Oasis. and Eminem. oh yes, the times are a changin'.

came back, ripped all the cds I borrowed onto the pc and here I am. I plan on reading my book and resting my body for the rest of the day. my shoulders, thighs and back are a bit tired and I'm glad of this "forced" rest.

D called this morning only the line on her cell phone was really bad that I couldn't have a conversation with her. she said something about a knitting club she wanted to go to tomorrow and also said that she was going out tonight or something...

I'm listening to Oasis at the moment. I never really liked them, with the exception of the morning glory album. but now they're huge (again) in the uk so there must be something about them.

R

friday, week 6

2006-04-07T21:03:00.000-05:00

I woke up (late) and hurried onto the van that takes me to the program. did my sessions, talked a bit, listened a lot and had a productive day, for the most part. I'm going onto week seven (amazingly) and I feel quite comfortable there, though I know it's only temporary.

came back, played with the pc, then finished "Vanity Fair" by Thackeray. I must say I enjoyed the twists of the story and especially liked how he ended the whole affair. yes, Vanity Fair, Vanity Fair. life perhaps is but a Vanity Fair. though it was tedious in certain parts, I liked it for the most part...and I'm going to have to talk to the author in the after life with regard to why it was so complacent in the last three chapters. they were written as though they were a synopsis of the real manuscript. aaaaaaanyway, I'm going to have to go borrow another book, as reading helps to focus my thoughts. something English will do...and something light...maybe Henry James, the American/European "dilemma".... I'll find something.

I then worked out, did my lift>walk>bike routine. I enjoy biking, much to my surprise. it's a great work out. I sweat like mad when I'm on that thing. I also went into the hottub, the first time this week, and massaged out my muscles.

came back, took a shower, ate. nope, nothing to do on a friday night. but then again, nothing to complain about since I'm improving in health, I have a feeling of satisfaction by going to partial hospitalization and everything will fall into place eventually.

I'm becoming a little more comfortable with my having bipolar disorder. and I'm learning and acquring new ways of coping. though it is tough at times to be reminded of this fact, I feel slightly more optimistic on my outlook... yes, life is still worth living.

R

dance, dance, dance

2006-04-06T20:04:00.000-05:00

I was able to wake up today! went to partial hospitalization, went to my sessions, listened a lot, commented a bit and came home. I'm a little concerned about T, who is having a tough time with her illness. I hope you're ok T.

after I came home, I looked through web sites about chickens. now, the reason behind it, was the fact that one of the fellow patients was describing how, "KFC" began marketing "KFC" and not "Kentucky Fried Chicken" because the birds they were using could not be classified as being chicken. and that the birds had no head and no feet. I could not help but question that comment and needed some confirmation. though they are broiler chicken, they have heads, they have feet...maybe not beaks because they cut them off and some of them are indeed injured...but none the less, they are chicken. and so, "KFC" was just a rumor, an urban myth. though the condition of a broiler is an entirely different issue.

then I went to work out...did my sit ups, walked and rode the bike...all the while being pounded by the music of some high school girls practicing their dance routine. I have nothing against such projects, only I feel as though my quiet work out had been violated of it sacred-ness (what ever that means). I remember practicing with the band in a friends basement and the poor parents would go out to eat or drive to a movie theater to escape from the noise.. and I all of a sudden felt old, in a way. but dance, dance, dance girls, you only live once and youth is a temporary thing.

took a bath, ate food and I'm typing away. I hope T is ok... I'm making connections with a few of the patients there and T is one of them. contrary to what people may think, "mentally ill people" are normal in terms of intelligence and some of them are quite remarkable, with the depth and insight that they have on pain and enduring it. T is very modest and reserved and since she's expressing the need for help, I'm just concerned. so may god if not god then gods and if not gods then spirits and if not spirits then, etc, etc, be with you.

I'm going to fiddle around with my mp3 player and then resume with Becky and co. Becky has been introduced to King George IV. Amelia is miserable. and the novel, much like life, is by no means fair to anyone.

R

late to the program

2006-04-05T21:23:00.000-05:00

I was late to the program today. I just could not get up and had my mom take me to the hospital. half of the sessions I missed, the rest I participated in. relatively productive.

came back, went to CVS to pick up my seroquel, did some grocery shopping with mom and came back. I tried the coca cola blak. it was disgusting, to say the least...kind of like an espresso with milk and some bubbles. aweful stuff.

I read "Vanity Fair", though it is getting mildly boring, with how Becky moves up in life and all and has yet to experience that decisive downfall which I believe is in store for her.

then I went off to work out, did my lift>walk>bike routine and came back. 2.5 hours in the gym. and I still don't lose weight. what am I doing wrong???? after that, I ate, read more of Becky and Amelia, and I sit here typing my day out.

my headaches are much better with the constant massaging of my neck...the knot for the most part has come out but I find I strain it way to much during physical activity and I'm doing my best to keep it relaxed and loose.

a normal day. yep. and my goal is to wake up on time, hence I must go to sleep.

good night.

R

steak

2006-04-04T20:17:00.000-05:00

yes, I cleaned my room and did the laundry. and yes, I went and did sit ups, walked and biked....then came back, bathed, and ate steak. I've had beef so many times over the past month that it's not funny any more. as much as I like meat, I need something that tastes different. and so I'm going to skip on my protein loaded steak and go after a different form of food.

they say 10% fat, 40% protein, 50% carbohydrates is the best balance when building muscle. my diet is more like, 10/60/30. to build and tone I need calories. and to burn calories, I need calories tooooooo. and no, I have not lost weight, I'm stable at 144.

I'm going to read after I finish blogging and I will go to sleep at eleven. my biked for a full hour today. I'll be sore if I don't get enough rest.

though I do feel good, I do have reoccuring thoughts with regard to the past. they come and go like they've always came and went but they're at an acceptable level. I just dislike reminding myself of all the crappy incidents that have happened in my life. for the most part, I have a good memory and I sometimes wonder why my brain just doesn't dump some of the bad stuff out. the bad ones for some reason pop back up and haunt me. must find ways of coping with them, yes sir.

I wonder if it's a learned trait...this reminiscing and remorse-ing... and I'm going to bring it up tomorrow in the session, if there are behavioural methods in which one can lessen the burden of the past.

good night, good night. they say it might snow tonight. it's April, damn it. bring in the sun.

R

pattern making school

2006-04-04T14:23:00.000-05:00

I did the same today, only I'm having trouble getting up. the day light savings time is the culprit and I don't feel sleepy until past eleven. and so I woke up, got dressed in a hurry and went to the program. had a good day for the most part, came back and here I am. I try not to type too much about what goes on in sessions because it does fringe on privacy and I'm holding back. that's the nature of those sessions.

I applied for pattern making school in the fall and via the internet, I've found out that all my documents are at the admissions office. and so I'll hopefully get a response from them within the month of April. if I don't get in, I'm going to search for other options to find a niche job that I'd like. I kind of want to go to school in the city...I'm sure I'd gain a lot of life experiences in metropolis. more on this topic when I do get a response... I don't know what kind of move I'll make if I don't make it into the school... but, of course, it's not the end of the world.

after I type this, I plan on doing my laundry and cleaning my room. yes, chores are important and cleanliness is vital to my well being.

I'm in a comfortable groove right now (with my numbing headache subsiding, for the time being). I've come a long way from the immobile sloth that I was a few months back and my decision is to stay in the program as long as I possibly can, and to maintain my level of functioning. from there, maybe a part time job to save up some money for school.

and in the meantime, I'm going to read until I work out.

maybe I'll type a bit more after I come back.

R

week six - MP3 player

2006-04-03T21:30:00.000-05:00

for those of you who are wondering about my numbering the weeks, it refers to my partial hospitalization and how long I've been there. I'm beginning week 6 of it. and it has given me a second life, to be very honest... I've gained so many perspectives that are now invaluable to me and it makes my day that much easier to get through. if anyone bipolar is reading this, I highly recommend such a program. I initially thought it would be full of uneducated, disfunctional lunatics (yep, I really thought so, and gid behind the fact of me differentiating myself from people who have the same illness), but not true.

so I woke up, did the usual, attended sessions and came back. I got scripts for my lithium, seroquel and my antibiotic eye drops. my mom drove me to the nearby CVS, and my medicaid g was problematic with seroquel and my eye drop so I only got my lithium. the pharmacist is working it out and so I'll probably get my seroquel tomorrow. no biggy. I then asked my mom to take me to Target, since I've been thinking of buying an MP3 player.

now, until 2004, I was product planning portable audio players as a profession and I know a thing or two about them. I was surprised to see the success of iPod at retail and was equally surprised to see the price reduction in flash memory. they are dirt cheap! when you go over 512MB, the product proposition chages across the board, but none-the-less, the popularity of pc based music is incredible. I chose not to see this stuff because it brought back painful memories. until about a year ago, the clashells and packaging that I had worked on were in every reatil store. and it was just hurt to look at stuff you sweated over... anyway, industry talk aside, I bought a motorola mp3 player. 256MB, FM tuner, tuner recording capability and a fairly decent design. yep. I'm a happy consumer. I've been playing with it for awhile and I now can listen to my tunes on the van to get to the program and while I work out.

after fiddling around with my new player, I went to work out (of course with new player in hand). I now officially am switching to a lean muscle building routine and will lift one day and then rest the next and so on and so forth, for three to four weeks. I will continue with my cardio and start interval training on the bike, building up to me being able to jog without straining myself. I'm in fairly decent shape now, though my weight remains the same. I did my lift>walk>bike routine, came back, had a bath, ate food and here I am.

I'm getting healthier. finally... I feel a relief I haven't felt in three, four years, at least. life is a series of baby steps and for most of my life I strained myself from wanting too much too quickly. I'm glad I crashed and that I'm still able to find relief (although I do have remorse for the past and all the opportunities I flushed down the toilet). and so, more baby steps this week.

(come to think of it, I haven't read today...) oh well... Becky and Amelia can wait. though I hope Amelia marries Dobbin.

R

rest

2006-04-02T18:30:00.000-05:00

I woke up at two...which surprised me because I felt as though I didn't sleep that long (and later realized that it was the fault of daylight savings time). I went to work out, did a muscle building routine compared to my toning/fat burning one, walked and rode the bike.

I came back, read my book and went to a Korean barbeque with my parents. ate at least two pounds of beef and I'm typing with a very full stomache. I love Korean barbeque and I will say with emphasis that it is the optimal way to eat beef.

nothing to note, except I didn't go to poker...again, my craze over it is done for and I'll probably only go there every now and then...though I may be saying something different in a week or so. I just can't feel the fun in it anymore (might be from playing it too much).

'tis a very relaxing sunday for me. I know I have a long week ahead, so I need my rest. turning reading into a main staple in my daily life is definitely working.

nothing new, nothing exciting, life is just pacing its way along. I'm not complaining but I do miss a "something" in my life. a close friend, a girlfriend, a carrer job...there is something missing.

R

a warm saturday.

2006-04-01T17:04:00.000-05:00

I woke up to D's phone call and we agreed to go to a movie later on... I was half asleep and she was going to go to yoga and also was reading up on buddhism. last week I found out she was leaning Hebrew. she called me later to tell me that she was going into the city and I don't quite know what to make of her "aloof-ness". I just hope she's ok.

I went back to sleep, since the phone call came at around 9am (way too early for a saturday, at least for me) and woke up at 11am. I read "Vanity Fair" and compared to the Russian stuff I was reading, it's a lot more "raunchy", of course in a 1850's sort of way. it is exactly as the title says. Vanity Fair.

I then went to gym, did my lift>walk>bike routine and here I am, writing my blog. and eating ice cream too (before dinner). so much for my losing weight. last night I stood on the scale and the number, "142" popped up. I was shocked, since that's three pound lighter than where I was. I weighed myself again, just to make sure, and voila!, same number. I weighed myself again in the morning and it came to "147". you sleep, you gain weight. ah, well. you burn 100 calories when you read for one hour.

so I'm going to resume reading "Vanity Fair". I'm at the part where it becomes known that Becky has married Rawdon Crawford. a nice match, given that Lady Crawford, Rawdon's aunt, leaves them her fortune of 70,000 pounds. of course there's bound to be some problems there, but I'm curious as to what will happen to Amelia. it's very light, well tempo-ed reading. a nice rest after the Russian titans.

R

the end of week 5

2006-03-31T21:54:00.000-05:00

I couldn't get up today. fridays are tough and I had to struggle. I got my mom to drive me to the program (late) and did my sessions. I'm beiginning to appreciate every minute of them because they are now numbered and I'm anxious as to how I'm going to maintain structure when it ends, in a week or two.

my mom came to pick me up after the program and she drove me to the library. like I mentioned a month ago, I did a DUI and I can't pay insurance, donc, je ne peux pas... what's to drive in french?... anyway, I returned Dostoyevsky and borrowed "Vanity Fair". I read a quarter of it three years ago, but it's a book I've been wanting to read for awhile. "Crime and Punishment", "Dubliners", "Ulyssis" will follow "Vanity Fair". I'm a sucker for classics and I still have yet to make it to the 20th century. Anthony Trollope also seems interesting to me... mind you, I like James Ivory films. need I say more?

came back, read, napped a bit and did my work out. ideally, I'd like to lift>walk>run>bike.
now, I'm lifting>walking>biking. when I bike I can feel how out of shape my hamstrings are...and with higher impact, muscles must be toned to sustain the work out...I might try running from April 15th, but I'll take it day by day. I feel fitter and I can tell my body is tightening up. and no this is not a work out blog, though I'm treating it in a religious manner. if I'm bipolar and have a chemical imbalance, the least I can do is look normal.

it's a quiet evening like any other and I'm home on a friday night. and yet I do have a feeling of satisfaction, of doing my best for the week and improving my well being...baby steps, yes, but baby steps towards progress is better than being static.

I'm listening to the INXS album I bought the other day and I like 3 songs... 2 more than I expected. they really don't fall under the category of music I like, since they're a white funk-ish band...but they do suprise me with a few songs here and there... like "the stairs" on the X album...anyway, one of songs I like from the album Switch is "After-glow".

touch me and I will follow, in your after-glow

some of the lyrcs are unnecessarily cheesy, but I like the concept of an "after-glow".
some people have this kind of effect on you.

and I don't know why I'm writing about INXS. maybe it's my eye infection. maybe it's the economy. or the weather. which actually was superb.

good night, good night.

R

Maria Sharapova

2006-03-30T22:08:00.000-05:00

I woke up, did the usual. yes, I'm finishing week five and I'm soon going to complete partial hospitalization. it has helped immensely and if anyone reading is contemplating such a program, I highly recommend it.

I came back, fell asleep listening to pearl jam and went to work out. I've been doing my best to massage out the knots that I have in my neck and my headache actually becomes a little less painful when I do massage it. I did my routine with biking (now I'm at the gym for 3 hours) and sat in the hot tub.

then I drank some wine, ate my steak and here I am... watching Maria Sharapova play. when she's on TV, I can't take my eyes off of her. I don't know why but I can't. I don't even like tennis. and I'm not really following the match.

my eyes, I think, are improving and it seems I've finally been able to put a dent in the bacteria or virus that's been inhabiting my lids for sometime now. if I had a flame-thrower, I would just burn all of the micro-organisms to oblivion, but for now I rely on antibiotics.

I'm getting better everyday. I'm developing something called patience and I've become much more practical interms of living...I used to be more abstract and aloof...my head would be up in the clouds, but I've begun to shut out those traits... I'm still feaful of what lies ahead, I still have anxiety over getting a job and working on becoming independent. will I be able to do it? I'd like to think so... I'm working out everyday, I do my chores and I'm constantly working on gaining my rythm back...I'm doing all that I can. I just hope the next thing will roll along. They say focus on the now. to stay in the moment. I have to fight to do this...it requires effort that I sometimes don't have. my personality has been formed together with my bipolar attributes...and I constantly have a feeling of remorse for a series of past events....

anyhoo, it was a beautiful day.

R

neck strain

2006-03-29T21:52:00.000-05:00

I'm basically ditto-ing my entries now, am I not? I get up, get dressed, go to partial hospitalization. yep. my usual.

Did my sessions, nothing worth mentioning, except that the sessions are really helping and have done a great deal to smooth out my cynical and nasty side. everyone feels pain. and I'm seeing the abnormal, the non-compliant in terms of "social standards". with illnesses like depression or bipolar or ocd, your intellect remains intact. that's what makes it even more painful, from a certain perspective. I'm experiencing it and am accepting the various aspects of pain. if anything, it's making me more compassionate and it's giving me a deeper understanding of something calle emotion.

I came back, finished reading "The Brothers Karamazov", and I'm going to have to talk to Dostoyevsky in the afterlife about the ending. I want to know how Mitya escapes, I want to know if Lise is betrothed to Alyosha, I want to know if Ivan survives.

Anyhoo, I napped for 30-40 minutes listening to pearl jam (great cd, "lost dogs", I highly recommend it) and worked out. I added 30 minutes of pedaling on the bike. I'm going to kick it up a notch on the cardio. it is visible now that my muscle mass is increasing (yes!) and I want to be in decent shape by summer. I want to look good in a t-shirt.

I came back, took a bath, and ate food. I generally eat meat at night, since it's high in protein (and fat..that I"m burning off hopefully).

Oh. I think my headaches have been caused by straining my neck. my musckes are really tight at the base of my skull and after massaging them for 30-40 minutes, my headache virtually disappated. and I also noticed that I regained feeling in my face. I'm going to work the knot out.

R

Eye drops

2006-03-28T20:55:00.000-05:00

woke up, did the ususal, except instead of going to my morning sessions, I went to the medical clinic of the hospital instead. to make a long story short, I have an abnormal EKG and the doctors were concerned and I needed a follow up. as for my heart, everything was in order. my blood tests revealed that I was in immaculate health. but I complained about my eyes and the possibility of them being infected. and so, the doctor gave me an antibiotic drop and an anti-hystamine drop.

I went to my sessions, still with a nagging headache (which I didn't mention at the clinic for some reason), and finished my day. after I got home, my mom drove me to Walgreens, I dropped off my scripts, then went to a cd store and bought the new INXS album (yes, pretty vegas has been in my head for awhile. I needed to buy it) and a pearl jam album.

I went to pick up my eye drops, only they had to process my medicaid g, and my mom and I returned home, since I believed it would be a waste of time if we waited there.

I read a little (yes, more of the Karamazovs) and worked out. I think my body can tolerate heavier weights now. but, I have increased the number of sets instead of increasing the weight, for the moment.

after coming back, my mom drove me to the drug store and I picked up my eye drops. and I pray that they clear all the crap that's probably in my eye.

then we came home, I ate food and here I am. I'm dying to take a bath and get back to Dmitri Karamazov.

my bipolar symptoms are steady for the moment. I just hope they remain dormant for a very, very long time.

R

monday, week 5

2006-03-27T21:36:00.000-05:00

as for my sunday post, it got "devoured" by the system... I wrote it but didn't get posted. ah, well. nothing notable, got up, read "The Brothers Karamazov", worked out and went grocery shopping with Mom. 'twas it.

today, I got up, went to partial hospitalization and pretty much spent the whole day with a nagging headache. it kind of has a soreness around the back of the head... and my eyes have been bothering me for sometime now... they're red, they might be mildly infected since my lids have developed small bumps in them and I plan on getting some anti-biotics for them. I can't wear contacts at that moment and it really bugs me since I have pretty bad eye sight. wearing glasses, for some reason, lowers my self-esteem. I'm vain. what do you want from me.

I came back, read more on how Dmitri Karamazov is close to being sent off to Siberia for the death of Fyodor Karamazov, his father. nice plot. quick reading.
then I went to my work out, did weights, walked two miles and sat in the hot tub. although my metabolism has gone up, it might require a more intense cardio routine for me to lose weight. I might go back to interval walk-run's... but enough. I'm still at 144 pounds. I'm 8 pounds over weight. and 144 is the heaviest I've ever been in my life.

I came back, took a bath, ate food and am planning to read more on Dmitri.

oh. Monday is goal setting day.
1. do my chores, wake up and go to sleep on time
2. find a social activity
3. be more open in group sessions

R